Sometimes life pulls us in a direction we don’t like. Sometimes we drift like a ship without an anchor. Sometimes we talk utter rubbish…. Right now I’m really struggling (again). I’ve been faced with behaviour at work that I’m not comfortable with. A level of deceit that I don’t like. A certain amount of aggression that frightens me and some unreasonable attitudes that have caused me many sleepless nights and anxious days.
MrH wants me to look for another job, everyone I’ve discussed it in detail with, has encouraged me to do the same and, on more than 3 occasions in the last 10 days I thought I was either going to be sacked or that I’d walk out.
I have updated my CV (again) and it’s online. I’ve expressed interest in a few jobs, but I’m not overly smitten…. I am so sick of job hunting…. but, I’m currently working a 43 hour week (as constantly I fail to stop for a solid 30 mins lunch because the phone rings or someone asks me something) and I’m on over £1 less an hour than I was at my last job. So I’m working my arse off and being treated like crap… here’s the thing though…. the girls I hired are lovely and we have a great time. And when the managers are being nice and professional they are lovely. Unfortunately you never can tell what mood they will be in.
So I guess in all reality I will be moving on soon….
Is it really too much to ask for a pleasant working environment?
In the mean time I feel that my stress pulls me out of the submissive mind set that brings me the most fulfilment.
We were away at the weekend and normally that would see me in subspace at least once. It would have me super calm and blissed out. This time, although I enjoyed it very much, although I wanted so much to loose myself, I didn’t get the push I needed to let go of everything outside… I’m normally incoherent and yet I know I was asking questions and aware of everything going on.
I asked Submissy after reading her post “lifestyle submissive” how she and Hislordship use ritual to her back into home mode and she kindly shared the various rituals they have. I’ve shared them with MrH. I talked to him about it as in many ways at the moment I’m craving a firm hand. I want to feel his dominance and control. I want him to quiet my mind the way I know he can so I can leave work behind. But I don’t know if he will.
I don’t even know if it’s fair to expect him to.
This is a very “me” focused post… about my needs and my stresses (of course it’s my blog so you get my point of view 😊) which makes me feel selfish as I feel I shouldn’t be asking Sir for things … but I know MrH also says he can’t fix it if he doesn’t know it’s broken, so right now I feel a bit broken and I know MrH has the glue that can put me back together….