On Being a Submissive

How to carry on when you’re not feeling it

Well hello – been a while hasn’t it? I’m like the crap friend who doesn’t call or stay in touch, and well the truth is I have not had anything to write about. Nothing kinky. Nothing even remotely sexual. Our D/s dynamic is hanging by a thread, and I have no idea how or if we will ever get back to where we were. We are trying to carry on the small things but it’s really difficult when you aren’t feeling it.

What went wrong?

I would love to blame it on my back pain and reduced mobility, but I don’t think that would be true. The pandemic and lockdown have definitely played a part but again I don’t think it is entirely to blame. I have gained so much weight that I have about 5 outfits that fit, I can’t find an underwired bra that is comfortable and as a result when I am in my underwear I’m about as sexy as a this hippo. (This weight gain is primarily due to the medication I am taking and my severely reduced mobility.)

black and white cow on river
Photo by Stefania Saturni on Pexels.com

Of course my back pain didn’t help. Mr. H worries he will cause me discomfort, or pain if he is too demanding or firm. He doesn’t want to make my situation worse, or cause damage, and sometimes I think he doesn’t trust me to say when he hurts me because I want to please him or really want him to fuck me.

And, then there is our son. He’s a grown man really at 23, but Mr. H finds him being in the house really distracting. He is a right royal passion killer and I am sure we are not the only couple who have this issue!

He seems to have an uncanny ability to come out of his bedroom at the exact moment we want to be intimate.

We stopped trying.

As I put on weight my night/play collar became too small. My day collar also became too small but Mr. H was able to add some extra links using the bracelet he made so I could still wear it, but without the collars to swap, the verbal part of the ritual was often forgotten.

With no ability to play at home, and no way to have nights away at hotels, our sex life dwindled and as I have done in the past, I withdrew. Now our son has a girlfriend and the lockdown restrictions have eased, so they spend some weekends here and some weekends at her house.

I heard that thought that ran through your head – chance for Mr. H and I to fuck and be kinky right? Nope.

Carry on regardless?

I desperately don’t want to put pressure on Mr. H to ‘perform’ we are a partnership and I sure as hell don’t want an act from him, but being in a D/s relationship the pressure is on him to take the lead. I can only defer and submit if there are rules and instructions. And, yes the two feed off each other, but the Dominant partner always has to take the lead, they have to drive the dynamic forward, and for that they have to have the energy, enthusiasm and will to do so.

We managed to get away for one night a few weekends ago. It did not go well. There were issues with the room and the bed was small. We had a thoroughly enjoyable fuck. But, when I look back on hotel stays of the past, it was not fantastic.

I am withdrawn which doesn’t help. I feel so unattractive. I look in the mirror and can’t for the life of me understand why Mr. H would want to fuck me, honestly, when I look back at the images on here, I know which “me” I would rather look at. I can completely understand why our sex life has dwindled. You may have noticed the lack of ‘new images’ and well this is why.

We are away again in a few weeks and maybe as these nights away become more regular things will improve. I am under a new hospital and seeing a pain specialist physiotherapist, and while he can’t make the pain go away, he is hopeful he can help me move about more easily. Perhaps this will also mean I can lose some of this weight again.

Of course, we will continue to carry on with our rituals, and Mr. H is planning to make a new sleep collar for me. I hope that bringing back the full routine will help Mr. H feel more able to bring out his dominant side.

Sweetgirl x

Sweet Autumn Rose  


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This post is linked to Tell me About #62 “Questions”. Do pop over there to see the other linked posts – they are well worth a read!

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  1. William says:

    I have been through a similar situation, although not in D/s, just a vanilla relationship.

    There are fleeting moments when I think things are returning to normal, but then it turns sour. I hope it goes back to what it was, but I can’t see that happening unless we can go back in time.

    I hope for you that things get better and you can find a position you are comfortable with.

    1. Thank you, I’m sure we will find a way. Take care

  2. It is lovely to read your writing again sweet and it sounds like you are making progress in terms of your mobility/pain management etc which is good. I recognise the behaviours you have written about here and while we do not have the tiniest of the challenges that you have, for some reason things have really faded for us too. Like you, I ask the question why it has happened, but also what to do about it and why we seem to just tick along without making those changes. You have given me some more to think about. Missy x
    missy recently posted…How to Introduce Role-Playing to Your RelationshipMy Profile

    1. It’s been a strange 15 months for us all I think…. take care xx

  3. David says:

    Pleased to see you have written here again. Things will get back to normal around the world and for the likes of you and me too. Just remember, real love is not about looks, it’s about the person. We all go through differing body shapes over the years, but it doesn’t matter in the great scheme, it’s about the love for each other. Enjoy yourselves when and where you can, avoid the pressure of the D/s dynamic – it will turn out to be fine. BE kind to yourself, and keep writing here! x

    1. Thank you for your kind words.. take care

  4. It’s good to see you on the blog again, Sweet, but I am so sorry to read things are still difficult for you. I really hope the pain specialist physiotherapist can help you, and that you can be more mobile. As for all the intimacy and kink dwindling away – it happened with us too when Master T had the stroke, and now with the new diagnosis, kink is not something either he or I am in the mood for. I hope we will get to our D/s but if we don’t, it will be fine too. And as for weight and new images… I’ve gained too much and I am nowhere in the mood for taking any images at all. Other things are much more important now. We will get through this, you and I, and be all smiles when we get on the other side. Take care!
    ~ Marie xox

    1. I think that’s similar to us, at the moment there are other things that are more important than D/s. Take care xx

  5. I feel so much the same. Our Ds dropped off so much so quickly it left my head spinning. I stopped writing because I didn’t know what to say. We have sex occasionally, but there’s no kink.
    I don’t really think it is totally up to the Dom to get things going again. If you act submissive and treat him like a Master, he will start to feel like a Master.
    In theory anyway. Lol It’s not easy to get things rolling from underneath. Sometimes you have to focus on your own happiness first.

    1. I know that works for some people, but at the moment it isn’t going to work for us, and that’s kinda OK. We have each other and that’s enough. Take care.

  6. Hey Sweet – I think as usual you are trying not to act like a victim and u are right to do that -and I admire u greatly – but you didn’t ask for this medical problem – u didn’t ask for the lockdown – u probably didn’t see your son still being home at 23 – but u got all that – is it no wonder you put on a bit of weight? U cant exercise medically and lockdownie! and u and Mr H have found it difficult to connect – well that is a byproduct of the life u have had t to try and live. Take it easy on yourself. You are such an wonderful intelligent person. I have a had a few medical problems of late myself and wondered too – why would any one want to fuck me? I felt unattractive – still do really and very tired. Give your self some slack and I pray u get more of the life someone like u deserves very soon
    May xxx
    May More recently posted…Dutch Courage ~ Flash Part 7My Profile

    1. Thank you May xx I hope you’re OK x

  7. In spite of everything, you don’t have to think: – why would someone fuck me? Just do it and that’s it. The rest will work itself out.

    1. Sometimes easier said than done

  8. Sweet, thank you for sharing. You are not in the boat alone for sure. Health and living situations with an adult child in the home sure do put a ‘cramp your style.’ The body image issues you share are mine too.

    We are on a journey and each new chapter writes the book of our life. “We have each other and that’s enough” as quoted from a previous response of yours is so true for us too. I appreciate hearing that my life is not unusual and that others have real-life problems too. Life is not a Cinderella story of living happily-ever-after, it is slogging out and solving the daily pressures, changes, and circumstances that confront us as a team.

    May your new medical care be of benefit to your needs.

    1. Thank you, it is a good reminder that many of us are in the same boat. Take care

  9. Hi Sweet. Lovely to read a post from you again. I have just read all the wonderful, supportive and understanding replies you have received. There’s so much love for you. And I send my love and best wishes to you too.
    Cousin Pons recently posted…A Dutch Interior 1680My Profile

    1. Thank you… sorry for the delayed reply, my WordPress app has been playing up.

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