Well hello – been a while hasn’t it? I’m like the crap friend who doesn’t call or stay in touch, and well the truth is I have not had anything to write about. Nothing kinky. Nothing even remotely sexual. Our D/s dynamic is hanging by a thread, and I have no idea how or if we will ever get back to where we were. We are trying to carry on the small things but it’s really difficult when you aren’t feeling it.
What went wrong?
I would love to blame it on my back pain and reduced mobility, but I don’t think that would be true. The pandemic and lockdown have definitely played a part but again I don’t think it is entirely to blame. I have gained so much weight that I have about 5 outfits that fit, I can’t find an underwired bra that is comfortable and as a result when I am in my underwear I’m about as sexy as a this hippo. (This weight gain is primarily due to the medication I am taking and my severely reduced mobility.)
Of course my back pain didn’t help. Mr. H worries he will cause me discomfort, or pain if he is too demanding or firm. He doesn’t want to make my situation worse, or cause damage, and sometimes I think he doesn’t trust me to say when he hurts me because I want to please him or really want him to fuck me.
And, then there is our son. He’s a grown man really at 23, but Mr. H finds him being in the house really distracting. He is a right royal passion killer and I am sure we are not the only couple who have this issue!
He seems to have an uncanny ability to come out of his bedroom at the exact moment we want to be intimate.
We stopped trying.
As I put on weight my night/play collar became too small. My day collar also became too small but Mr. H was able to add some extra links using the bracelet he made so I could still wear it, but without the collars to swap, the verbal part of the ritual was often forgotten.
With no ability to play at home, and no way to have nights away at hotels, our sex life dwindled and as I have done in the past, I withdrew. Now our son has a girlfriend and the lockdown restrictions have eased, so they spend some weekends here and some weekends at her house.
I heard that thought that ran through your head – chance for Mr. H and I to fuck and be kinky right? Nope.
Carry on regardless?
I desperately don’t want to put pressure on Mr. H to ‘perform’ we are a partnership and I sure as hell don’t want an act from him, but being in a D/s relationship the pressure is on him to take the lead. I can only defer and submit if there are rules and instructions. And, yes the two feed off each other, but the Dominant partner always has to take the lead, they have to drive the dynamic forward, and for that they have to have the energy, enthusiasm and will to do so.
We managed to get away for one night a few weekends ago. It did not go well. There were issues with the room and the bed was small. We had a thoroughly enjoyable fuck. But, when I look back on hotel stays of the past, it was not fantastic.
I am withdrawn which doesn’t help. I feel so unattractive. I look in the mirror and can’t for the life of me understand why Mr. H would want to fuck me, honestly, when I look back at the images on here, I know which “me” I would rather look at. I can completely understand why our sex life has dwindled. You may have noticed the lack of ‘new images’ and well this is why.
We are away again in a few weeks and maybe as these nights away become more regular things will improve. I am under a new hospital and seeing a pain specialist physiotherapist, and while he can’t make the pain go away, he is hopeful he can help me move about more easily. Perhaps this will also mean I can lose some of this weight again.
Of course, we will continue to carry on with our rituals, and Mr. H is planning to make a new sleep collar for me. I hope that bringing back the full routine will help Mr. H feel more able to bring out his dominant side.
This post is linked to Tell me About #62 “Questions”. Do pop over there to see the other linked posts – they are well worth a read!