For many years I was ashamed of my body. I avoided mirrors, and was convinced my husband found me unattractive. Diets never stuck – or should I say I never stuck with diets – and for every bit of weight I lost I gained double within a few months. It took me a long time to realise that the reason for the weight gain was emotional not physical. Yes I ate too much or ate the wrong foods in excess, but because I hid myself emotionally, I ate. I ate to cover my feelings. It wasn’t until I stopped and learned to be emotionally naked, and to face my feelings that I found liberty.
The first time I went on a diet (I can’t remember how much I weighed), I tried Weight Watchers. Every food had a ‘points’ value and you could only have ‘x’ number of points a day. I can’t remember how many. So you could theoretically eat anything you wanted as long as you counted the points. That’s all very well until you use more than half your points before dinner time every day! Initially I lost 1 stone, then while still following the plan I gained 1½ stone or 9½Kg . That was the end of that.
A friend recommended Slimming World and I joined her group. Red days and Green days was the system they recommended, with red being days when protein foods were ‘free’ and you could eat as much as you wanted. Carbohydrates and potatoes were eaten only in measured amounts on a red day. On a green day with was reversed. I struggled to get my head around the plan and lasted only a week or two.
I tried Rosemary Conley next because this was the only group which offered an exercise class too. They believed diet without exercise was pointless. Their diet was calorie based, and you were restricted to 1200 calories per day, and could only eat foods that were less than 5% fat. It was so restrictive I could not stick to it. My boys were still young and it was virtually impossible to cook one meal for everyone and keep my calories accurate.
Not long after this depression got a tight hold of me, and diets were the last thing on my mind. I was emotionally naked for the first time in my life and I did not know how to deal with it, and so, I turned to food. Now in my 30’s I could no longer eat copious amounts of cheese on toast, and cheese and tomato sandwiches without consequence, and I gained more weight.
I hid behind layers of clothes and mountains of food. All my confidence was gone and I feared rejection. I started to hide from mirrors, I was not naked in bed or at all in front of Mr. H and I became a recluse. I left the house only to take the boys to school and to pick them up. I am by no means special when it comes to depression. Many people suffer from it and while some admit it many hide it. I think that the ones who hide it are the ones at most risk because they have noone to support them. I was lucky, because I had Mr. H. I honestly do not know where I would be without him.
I saw more than one counsellor and a psychiatrist between 2005 and 2010, and while I did speak to them about my insecurities and fears, I did not properly address or deal with them. I had a number of sessions of CBT (that’s Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, not Cock and Ball Torture – obviously I lack the required anatomy for the latter!), as well as hypnotherapy. Now while I was liberated from my mental prison in 2010 having recovered sufficiently to face the world, I still hid under layers of clothes and fake smiles.
It is just over 3 years ago now that I asked Mr. H to consider a change in our relationship dynamic. Asking him to become more dominant, was initially just about our sexual relationship, and fulfilling a fantasy. What I discovered about myself was that I needed it. I got wet so fast when he held my hands in his, holding them tight, as he pushed me against a wall. Ordering me to open my legs so he could touch me, and kiss me. Well – I’ve typed it and I’m horny – and that should tell you everything LOL. I wanted him to dominate me, command me, own me, and the reason I think stems from the fact that I felt so unwanted as a child. I needed to feel that he would not reject me and that I was enough.
One of the first ever things Mr. H asked of me was that I sleep naked. He said he didn’t want anything between us when we were in bed. I tossed my nightie on the floor, and have slept naked (except during hospital stays of course) ever since.
We found ourselves reconnecting, emotionally and I started to open up. I told him, first using my written journal, and finally by being able to voice it, when, why and how things were upsetting me. I told him my fears and slowly shed the protective layers until I was emotionally naked in front of him. Now, I am not saying I am perfect at this, because I do still try to hide my feelings, especially when I feel I might be rejected, but I am trying to be braver. With this bravery, and his unwavering devotion, I have found a level of sexual pleasure I never imagined I would know. In the last 3 years we have loved so deeply it has improved my mental heath as well as deepening our connection.
Free at last.
I do have to point out that some of this confidence, that which enabled be to ask Mr. H to try D/s in the first place did come from having lost 5 stone (31.75kg) and from a physical point of view I felt fantastic. Feeling sexy and suddenly not afraid to show my body made me want to (well to put it simply) fuck Mr. H all the time. I was horny and yet most of the time I did not orgasm. Whereas before I lacked confidence since becoming a submissive wife I have felt liberated. I orgasm more often than not; and on a few occasions I have even found the words to offer guidance.
The journey we are on as Dominant and submissive has exposed me, stripped me naked and wrapped me in love and care, replacing doubt with certainty and fear with security. There are times when this waivers, we are human after all, but for the most part I have found that allowing myself to be emotionally naked has been the most liberating experience of my life so far.
Avoiding a repeat performance.
One of my biggest fears since my liberation has been a return to depression or that I would regain the weight. While I do waiver on the depression, the weight has come back. There have been a few things that caused this, but mostly it is to do with the pain medication I take to make me comfortable due to the pain in my back. When the world went into lockdown and the treatments were put on hold I was gripped with a hopelessness I couldn’t shake and I once again reached for comfort foods. A few weeks ago I realised I had to stop this self destructive behaviour and gave my head a wobble. With Mr. H help I am back following the slimming world diet. I have almost lost half a stone already and I know that if I stay on plan it will work. I am not yet able to look at my naked body favorably but I know I will get there.
This post is linked to:
- Tell Me About #40 ‘Nudity’
- 4 Thoughts and Fiction #155 ‘Liberty’.
- Monochromerotic #5, and
- Love Your Selfie
Click the respective names to be visit the prompt pages where you will find a number of other posts inspired by the topics.