I am a naturally curious person. I have always wanted to know how machines work, and what makes people act the way they do. My mum says that as soon as I learned to ask “why?” she didn’t get a moments peace, never satisfied with her answers, I would ask “but why?” over and over again. My curiosity got me into trouble more than once too, when my impulsivity meant I had not thought about the possible consequences. It was this curiosity that led me to ask Mr H in 2017 if he would try dominating me during sex and eventually led to our current dynamic.
Willing to try.
When we began researching BDSM we found a number of resources, and almost all of them said to create a list of interests separately that you could discuss together. This was where my first moment of hesitation occured. We had been contacted by a couple on line and the topic of swapping partners or playing together came up. I immediately shot this down; no way I did not want Mr H to touch another woman nor did I want to be touched by anyone but him. My panic occurred when I realised I had not asked what Mr H wanted, and therefore, I did not know if this was something he did want to do. I think I sat for a good ten minutes frozen, until I sent him a message (he was at work) telling him about the conversation and my response. I also asked if I had done the right thing – or was this something he did want. I swear I didn’t breathe until his reply came back; he did not want to play with anyone else.
Later that day I drew up my lists, a “yes” a “willing to try” and a “hell no” list. It’s nearly 3 years later, and the only thing that came off my “hell no” list was using a cane, but my fear, that Mr H will decide he does want to play with someone else remains. At least it rears its head every so often. Mostly linked to my insecurity (my first husband cheated on me) and my self esteem, the nightmares are sometimes triggered by blog posts I read. When I read blogs from people that are in open relationships, are active swingers, in polyamorous relationships, talk about or allude to infidelity, I can pretty much expect to have a nightmare within a few nights. This doesn’t stop me reading them, because I am determined not to allow my own insecurity to dictate what I read!
What is quite curious however is that I know a person who is in a polyamorous relationship, I have met the four people involved, and interaction with them has not once triggered a nightmare. I think it is because I am able to evaluate them for myself and can see that they are all content and happy. I have never felt judged in their company or felt any pressure to “allow” Mr H to play with others. Instead they have embraced us as we are, and told us that it we did not need to do anything that we aren’t both comfortable with.
In the last 33 months we have tried almost everything that we put on our willing to try lists to some degree. When S2 left home briefly last year we thought we would be able to further explore some things. We planned wall restraint points and a ceiling mount so our rope bondage could progress. We envisioned more freedom to play, and that we could become more spontaneous with it. Unfortunately these dreams were short lived when S2 returned home, and our actual play time during his absence had been restricted by my back pain and Mr H’s own hospital stay with kidney stones.
The current situation with the UK on lockdown, means our play time is restricted to one day a week- Sundays when S2 goes to work. S2 is a night owl. If we try to have sex when he is at home we are both on edge. For one thing we rarely close our bedroom door. My two cats sleep on beds in our room and if they are shut out they meow pitifully, and scratch at the door and carpet trying to come in. If S2 is in the house this meowing would attract his curiosity, as would a shut door. If we risk leaving the bedroom door open, you can guarantee that he will choose the moment we begin to leave his bedroom, go downstairs and make something to eat, get a drink, go to the loo, etc. You get the picture I’m sure. So, for the time being, we make the most of the time he is at work.
A recent flogging.
The weekend of what would have been Eroticon, Mr H and I went to our favourite hotel, and we were recharged by the time away. Mr H took the suede flogger which we are only able to use when we are away, because we do not have a lot of room at home. Normally we would use the over door restraints but given my physical condition this was not feasible. Instead I sat facing the back of a chair, with a cushion in front of me and on the back of the chair. I was able to sit relatively comfortably and Mr H was able to flog my shoulders and upper back for about ten minutes before I could feel the numbness creeping down my legs. He had to help me into bed for a while as that brief play was enough to send me into subspace.
Where curiosity can lead.
I will be forever grateful that Mr H has a curious nature too, because without it, I would not be living the wonderful adventure I am! It is his curiosity that brings our play to life, as much as I am willing to try, he has to research the “how” and put it into practice. He also has to temper my impulsivity. I will often say “I wonder if..” and he has to talk me through the pros and cons, often revealing flaws in my ideas. I could not have foreseen how it would turn out when I expressed an interest in D/s but I’m certainly glad my curiosity got the better of me.
To see all the entries for the Erotic Journal Challenge this month click HERE.