Safewords. You hear a lot about them when you first start out in BDSM and they get a cursory mention in 50 Shades, but are they really necessary? What if you are a married couple like Mr H and I? Surely there’s no need? Well I am here to tell you that in my opinion they are essential, even in vanilla relationships, and it comes down to a simple concept, CONSENT.
Consent can be withdrawn at any time by anyone.
We have always told our boys that no matter what, your partner can change their mind at any time when you’re being intimate and that it is essential that they respect that. We have also told them that they can change their mind too and that is also ok.
A safeword is a word you would not normally say but indicates your withdrawal of consent.
I don’t know about you but I have sometimes found myself moaning “no no no” during sex but not meaning that I want to end the encounter, and so a safeword, should be agreed before and respected. I mean if I were to say “milkshake” or “dinosaur” during sex I suspect that would grab Mr H’s attention! That’s not one of our safewords by the way but hopefully it makes my point.
Being Safe in BSDM
We set our safewords at the beginning of our journey and they have remained the same throughout, however, since we started impact play again only recently after an 18 month break it seems we have forgotten what they mean. At least our understanding of them has fallen out of sync. This has led to some sharp words and frustration.
Mr H always asks me at the start of play if I remember my safewords which I reply I do, but things went a little awry when play began.
Safeword one: Yellow
We have two safewords, Yellow and Red. I believed Yellow meant that I needed a minute for some reason and needed Mr H to pause play and check in. In my mind this meant he would stop, and ask me what I needed so I could tell him. Perhaps I needed a moment to catch my breath as the pain was getting too much. Perhaps he had caught a particularly sore part of my body I needed to tell him to avoid that area, or there are places I have no feeling and again I need to make him aware of this too.
So Yellow to me was a request for communication.
Mr H believed it meant he needed to just be more gentle.
Should I call RED?
Things became a little tense as I felt that Mr H was ignoring my safeword, and for a short time I gritted my teeth. Of course things became too much quickly as Mr H once again increased the strength of the blows and I again called Yellow. This time when he didn’t stop I yelled ‘Hey I thought we were on a yellow?”
Mr H responded that yes we were so he had eased up. I replied that I needed a minute although I considered at that point simply saying I had had enough and calling Red. Red ends play immediately, and aftercare begins.
We have since this incident talked about our expectations, but it has shown us that the months away from BDSM has meant we have a lot to work on; communication being at the top of the list again.
There are lots of articles on Safewords on the Tell Me About site, click the link to view them.
I have also linked this to Wicked Wednesday #490 although it doesn’t follow this weeks topic which is “Cooking”.