There are many articles out there that argue monogamy is an unnatural state, and that this is why many relationships fail. I believe that in many cases the relationships fail because the couple didn’t communicate their needs, and work on being together, instead they use these arguments as reasons for cheating on their partners. Now I make no secret of the fact Mr H and I are monogamous. I’ve written about it before in ‘A Dirty Word‘ and explored the nightmares that non-monogamy gives me in ‘what frightens me the most‘. What I want to talk about today, is the lack of respect that is given to those who are monogamous by those who choose not to be.
What do I mean by respect? Well, if I cast my mind back to the days of black and white TV and horse drawn carriages, you know way back when I was a single mum, I wouldn’t have dreamed of making a pass at someone who was in a relationship. I have an account on twitter, as does Mr H, we have an Instagram profile and an account on Fetlife. These accounts clearly state we are a monogamous couple, not interested in exploring opportunities with third parties, and indeed this website on the About Me section says the same thing; we are monogamous. So why do we still get messages that are, in my opinion, inappropriate and disrespectful?
I would love to get with you…
We received this message on Fetlife a little while ago, from someone we didn’t know and hadn’t met. Mr H replied that he wasn’t sure who the message was aimed at, but as the gentleman’s profile stated he was straight we assume it was to me, but as stated in our profile we are monogamous. We received no further communication.
Your pictures are hot – can I send you a cum tribute?
There was a fad a couple of years ago, where gentlemen would contact people offering to send them back a picture with cum on it – proof I suppose of how much they liked your picture. When I received these offers I declined politely. I mean yes there are images on the website and I am not naive I know some people will use these images to enhance a fantasy but I do not want to see evidence of it.
One particular gentleman who contacted me became very abusive when I declined his offer. Initially his communications were complimentary, how much he liked my images. After I declined his offer I was told I was an ugly fat cow. Obviously a grown up.
I received a few dick pics on twitter, and eventually I turned off messaging. I love seeing pictures of Mr H’s cock, but I have no desire to have my inbox filled with the dicks of strangers.
Quite recently we were contacted on Instagram by a young lady this time, who said she liked the website. Mr H manages the Instagram account and so he thanked her. A few days later she messaged and during the conversation she told him she was horny and sent an image of herself in a state of undress. Mr H politely told her that we didn’t engage in play with others. She has since unfollowed our account.
What does monogamous mean to others?
I really do not understand why, when a couple clearly state that they are monogamous, that people feel it is appropriate to send revealing pictures of themselves to you and then get upset when you tell them you do not want to play. Why do men think I would want to engage in online sexting? Why do women want to have Mr H be their dominant too? How many of us would think this was appropriate if it was someone we worked with, or someone they had just met, who told them they were in a relationship?
Somehow I think most of us would be more respectful of that preexisting relationship.
Sexting isn’t cheating it’s just a bit of harmless fun.
I remember a lady I worked with saying this to me when she confided that she had been contacted by another girls fiance, and the text messages had become to use her word “raunchy”. I disagreed with her vehemently and pointed out that I was sure his fiance would not see it as harmless fun that he had been sending these messages and had more than once asked to meet up.
This doesn’t mean that I think consensual non monogamy is wrong – on the contrary it that works for you then that is totally cool, but the key word here is consent. Both partners must be in agreement, it shouldn’t be something that happens behind someone else’s back. That’s cheating.
Non Monogamy and BDSM.
I have met a few non monogamous couples at the munches we have attended, and one thing that is clear from my dealings with these people in real life, is that they are extreemly respectful when you tell them you are monogamous. This leads me to conclude that it isn’t people who are active in the BDSM community who are disrespectful. Rather it is people who ‘think’ that if you are into BDSM you are also into swinging. In truth these are two different things. They do cross over and there are many people who are into both, but not as many as the porn industry would have you believe.
Never say Never?
In this instance, for me and Mr H I can with certainty say never ever! For some it becomes a natural progression of their BDSM relationship and my good friend SubMissy has recently written about how this progression has happened for her and His Lordship, but with trusted friends and within agreed boundaries. It works for them within their D/s dynamic and I hope that they continue to enjoy their growth and experiences.
I know that for me this isn’t something I will ever feel comfortable with and Mr H has no desire to play with others either. The closest we will come to this would be playing at a BDSM event where there is a possibility we could be watched playing together, but we wouldn’t be inviting others to join in with our play.
Why are we happy?
I think that because we only want each other and we do not share, monogamy is right for us. We are content to be a universe together, our own best friends and I hope very much that we are lucky enough to grow very old together. This is why we are happy being monogamous.
This post is linked to Wicked Wednesday #492 “Epiphany”, click HERE to see more posts linked to this topic.