woman sitting in wheelchair

Lost passion; when one partner becomes disabled

If you are a follower of this blog, I want to thank you for sticking with me, I know my posts have become less and less frequent, and they have contained less kink, less sex, less passion. I have tried to pin point when this decline began and what precipitated it. I thought it was caused by my becoming so disabled so quickly, but I think that the root cause is much more complicated. The disability and pain has caused us to be less intimate. We have lost our passion. We have lost the intimacy we had. We have almost stopped being intimate all together.

The Caring Role.

My chronic pain escalated to such a degree that I can’t work any more, I’ve written about this before and of course that is another reason why I have reduced how much I write – who wants to read the same thing over and over again?

I have always wanted this blog to be authentic, real, honest. I can’t write about a sex life I am not having. I can’t write about being a submissive wife when I am more of a dependent than a wife, and you my dear reader, didn’t come here to be bored to death.

Mr H is my carer. He has also become isolated. At Christmas we bought him a bicycle so he can go out for exercise – he has bad knees so he can’t run anymore. He is one of those people who need to get outdoors for his mental health, I have never really been one of them. I’m quite happy to be inside. Mostly but I admit, I have not been outside since August – and that was a trip to the hospital.

Over the last 18 months he has had to start dressing me, helping me wash, bringing me food, and drinks. He is entirely responsible for keeping the house clean and tidy and I am just another one of the things he has become responsible for looking after.

Caring kills passion.

The down side is that with all this responsibility on his shoulders, Mr H is exhausted.

With the lack of exercise and drugs, I have put back on all the weight I lost a few years ago. I can’t shave my own legs (never mind my pussy!) and to be perfectly honest I can completely understand why the passion has left our marriage.

I hope that eventually I will again be able to take care of my own personal care, that maybe I will lose the weight again. I hope that at some point I will once again feel sexy – well I’d settle for slightly attractive to be perfectly frank.

It’s perhaps a strange thing, but I feel sexiest when Mr H makes me feel sexy. Perhaps I should have more self belief, or self confidence. Maybe I just set the feminist movement back 200 years, but I don’t have the ability to look at myself and see an attractive woman. All I see, when I look (which I don’t anymore) is a fat hairy burden.

I know Mr H is appalled that this is how I see myself, but unfortunately as I mentioned before, I do want this blog to be honest.

I wonder though, does this happen to all couples when one partner becomes disabled?

Does the partner who is the carer stop seeing the other one as a lover?

More importantly- how do you stop it and get back to being lovers? How do you find the passion?

Step One: Talk.

Mr H and I have talked about this of course, but I worry that this puts even more pressure on him and so I avoided sharing my feeling with him, bottling it up instead and feeling myself drifting further away. Now it has been shared, and talked about, but that doesn’t mean fixed.

It is going to require effort and work and time. We have to find a way to balance each role and still allow time for Mr H to recharge. He is registered as a carer now so we have access to more services and assistance. I hope that we can build a routine of sorts where he gets to go out on his bike. I may be stuck inside but he is not.

Step Two:?

I guess I will let you know when I find out…..

Sweetgirl x

Sweet Autumn Rose  

 

  • two person holding pinkies

I have linked this post to Wicked Wednesday #455 “sexual fantasy”. It doesn’t exactly fit the subject matter other than for the last few months I have wanted so much for us to have the kind of sex we used to. The sex I fantasied about for years. I recommend you visit the page and read the other posts entered, there will be many delightful reads.

I have also linked to Tell Me About #54 “Expectations” because this sure as hell wasn’t what I expected our life to be! Do visit the page and read the other linked posts, there will be many excellent entries.

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40 Comments

  1. I always read your posts. They are frank, honest and intelligent. And even in the darkest moments you always manage a little humour. I don’t mind the lack of kink, for my life is kinkless too. I come to read what you have to say about your day to day life, for it is full of humanity and love. x
    Cousin Pons recently posted…A Dutch Interior 1680My Profile

    1. Thank you x

  2. Oh Sweet, I feel so deeply for you and MrH. I’m glad to read he is now registered as your carer. I hope you’ve been able to secure PIP too, though I realise exactly how difficult that is to do!

    1. I don’t know why but I didn’t get a notification of this comment, I’ve just found it in “pending” whatever that is!

      I did get PIP awarded last year and have my disabled parking permit too.

      The adjustment is the hardest thing.

      Thank you for taking the time to comment I appreciate it. Take care

  3. I’m sorry to hear you’re struggling so much. I’ve not forgotten about you and I hope things will get better between you and Mr H.
    Liz BlackX recently posted…Song Lyric Sunday: The Essence of Silence – EpicaMy Profile

    1. Thank you

  4. I read you and I am not the only one for your honesty and passion for not only kink but for life. Well, life can be imperfect and messy. This is your job now. You focus on you. But for if you can not help yourself, no one else can be helped. Yes, we are here for the kink. But life is “kinkless” as someone else put it, this is life. Focus on your and your DH. We are your followers and for some always will be. Include us in your struggles and we are part of it. Include us in your concerned and we are part of them. Share who you are for that is why we are here. For you. Your friends online.

    1. Thank you

  5. I totally want to echo what CP has said, that we come here to read your words, whether they are kinky, sexy or not. You ARE authentic, Sweet, and since this is YOUR blog, you can write anything you want. To be honest, I think you will be surprised how many people also want to read about the every day life, even when it’s difficult or sad, because life is not all about rainbows and roses. People want to read things like that too, as there are many people out there who want to know they are not alone.
    I am so glad you have written this, and I really wish your life was not as difficult.

    As you know, Master T and I had four years of what you and Mr.H. is going through now. Yes, to a different degree, as Master T could still do a lot for himself, but our passion also went out the door. We talked about it a couple of times, and then just settled into a new ‘routine’, into being thankful for still having each other, acknowledging to each other life is not always easy, but it will get better.

    You asked: Does the partner who is the carer stop seeing the other one as a lover?
    My answer to this is: NO. I definitely never stopped seeing Master T as a lover, despite being his carer. He’s my husband, my lover, my friend, and he just happened to go through a bad time. It didn’t make me see him differently.

    Sorry for the long comment, and I really hope to see you back to blogging. Write about whatever you want, because there will always be someone who wants to read it.

    Much love to you!
    Marie xox

    1. Thank you for sharing your experiences with this Marie and thank you for the love x

  6. Sweet this is such an important post – you can help so many people with your words because many are going to relate to what you are going thru – Thank you for sharing and I will always come to your blog when you write. You have a natural talent for pulling the reader in, be it fact or fiction.
    I so wish there could be something to be done about your pain. I get cross thinking about it – goodness knows how you remain soo – well so you!
    You are writing about life – I do hope you carry on doing so – when u feel up to it
    May xx
    May More recently posted…Sexual Fantasy – ExplicitMy Profile

    1. Thank you May xx

  7. Oh Sweet! I’m so sorry you feel the passion is gone. I can see how one may feel that way. In my past life I worked with disabled adults, and one thing I saw in each of them is that the passion isn’t gone. The passion of love, of life, the desire to live. Does it look different than it used to? Of course, pain and a disconnect from yourself will change many things. But it’s certainly not gone, not forgotten. It’s still there in the shadows, waiting for your embrace. When the time is right. You’ll feel it there too.
    Take care
    X

    1. Thank you x

  8. Johnny says:

    As long as you love and care for each other..show each other respect that’s the main thing life slows for some of us as we get older and acceptance is also part of life’s process.
    I’m sure you guys will find some way of working things out.
    Love is the strangest emotion but if you have it in whatever form treasure it.
    Stay safe guys big love
    Johnny

    1. Thank you

  9. Hi Sweet One,
    Thanks for such an honest post. I can relate to all that you say, though I am on the carer side, virtually our entire 45 years married life, from the simple (pick her up, patch her up), to now chronic.
    For yourself, look into hydrotherapy for some temporary relief. Some claim an adjustable bed (legs and back) can provide relief. An elderly neighbour here claims her vertebrae fusion cured he chronic back pain (I guess you are already talking to all relevant specialists). We now use an electric mobility scooter/chair so my wife doesn’t have to rely on me pushing her wheel chair whilst shopping.
    On the intimacy side, I’m afraid I can’t offer any 1st hand advice. Forget about your old ‘kink’ (what ever that means) – I’m sure that whatever you and yours come up with, others will think kinky. Perhaps dirty story telling might work for you both – read your erotic stories to hubby while he gets himself off. Is he getting outside relief? Can he come home and tell you about his dirty adventures?
    Endorphin hormones are great pain relievers, if only temporarily, so some good laughs help. A lovely FWB and I played fractured nursery rhymes, taking turns to come up with the next dirty line to our rhyme – so Georgie Porgy “Licked the girls and made them cum!” – great sexy fun.
    Does your husband help with any physiotherapy at home? Can these be done nude? I’m sure you could find some erogenous zones he could lick/kiss/caress/massage whilst assisting with leg stretches!
    I hope I haven’t been too outrageous – just thinking outside the square (chair?).
    Please keep blogging, but as mentioned above, perhaps delve into erotic fiction to escape your painful reality.
    All the very best to both of you. I sounds like you have a wonderful loving relationship to build on. DM if you would like to share.
    Sir Thomas recently posted…The Penis Conspiracy! Who Cums First?My Profile

    1. Thank you for your reply, and suggestions. We thought surgery would be a solution too, but the surgeon we saw was not of the same opinion… we are seeking a second opinion. We hope to do some physiotherapy and are waiting for appointments, covid has delayed this too. MrH and I are strictly monogamous so seeking outside partners is not an option, and I am able to enjoy and participate in sex, but MrH is often too tired from all his responsibilities and/or worried I will be uncomfortable or get hurt to do so.
      The other passion killer that I did not mention is our 22 year old son who lives at home and is quite active on an evening… he also has a built in sex detector and without fail will decide to start wandering up and down stairs if we even think about having sex! We started going to a hotel once a month just for some privacy but again… covid has closed the hotels and many are not wheelchair friendly.
      Sorry for my long reply but I wanted to respond to your comment properly.
      Again, thank you for your reply and no you weren’t too outrageous

  10. slave sindee says:

    I thank you for your honesty and your blog. Yes indeed it seems like the passion goes away. But life comes with alot of changes and we have to adapt to them and make the best. What hopefully, for you and Mr. H hasn’t changed is the love you share for each other. Going from being the dominant to care giver is a change he is making for you. Finding a new routine where you can talk and be thank ful for each other will be a help. Your readers are here for you thru thick and thin and your honesty.

    1. Thank you sindee

  11. Hi sweet I was so pleased to see you posting again and have missed you dearly. It’s not the same without you and that is about the person you are not the kink you wrote about. Your blog has always been honest and authentic and people want to read about you, not about sex. I understand it has been hard for you to be around others who are doing the same while your own life has altered in ways you don’t want but we are your friends and want to be here and share in what is happening for you regardless of whether it’s a good patch or a rough. Like may I am angry to think of the way you have been and are being treated. I would not have believed that someone could be left as you have been. I don’t pretend to I know how you feel and I hear what you are saying about how you feel about yourself but I do know that Mr H won’t see you as you see yourself. I am sure of that. I hope that you stick around on your blog whatever you choose to write about. You are an important voice and a special friend. Missy x
    Missy recently posted…The shape of things to come – the naked truth?My Profile

    1. Thank you Missy, I think for the most part I needed to try and come to terms with things. I still do. I hate to think I am a negative presence, you know the person who brings down the people around them and I felt (and still do) that my dark cloud could make a happy room sad.. I am trying to shake that feeling, and hope to be about a bit more. I miss you too. I miss Reading. I am hoping it’s an effect of one of the many medicines but I still can’t read. My eyes blur the words. I can type a little better, because I know what I want to say. I know that doesn’t make much sense. Take care xx

  12. I’ve just found your blog so i have some catching up to do but i just wanna say thank you for sharing and i’m sending you massive hugs. I’m also living with chronic pain and illness which can ruin the positive feelings i have towards myself too. Just know you are not alone, and i have my fingers crossed Mr H can get some time outside and you both can become closer again xxx

    1. Thank you x I hope you find your way around the site and enjoy what you read.

  13. I’ve been following your blog for years now. You both love each other, and that will always win through. Keep on keeping on, it will get better for you soon. And get that 2nd opinion, as it seems ludicrous you can be in so much pain so quickly, and this is deemed acceptable.
    x

    1. Thank you x

  14. Every day I visit your site and expect new messages from you. It’s good that you wrote. If you can, do it more often. There is no need to write necessarily about sex or perversion. Your last post is interesting without it. I want to remind you that I, and I hope other readers, think about you and support you in your thoughts, wishing you well.

    1. Thank you Lisa

  15. My heart is broken. Still no relief after all this time, and only gotten worse. I’ll just send loving thoughts for you both.
    elliott henry recently posted…UntitledMy Profile

    1. Thank you Elliott x

  16. HeartsHope says:

    If it helps, I always look forward to your posts because you show a snapshot of your real life. Sure, the kinky writing is fun, but sharing the trials and tribulations and everyday life is authentic.
    I have been wondering about you and hoping your pain was being managed at least. Sorry to hear that it isn’t yet. Also, I understand what you mean about feeling like a patient rather than a partner. Chronic illness robs us of so much in life. All I can do is hope you find relief soon.

    1. Thank you HH

  17. I know I’m late to the party on this one, and I have nothing new to add to the conversation that hasn’t already been said better. I just want to say, this sucks…and my heart goes out to you. I do hope step one becomes step 2 when you both are ready for it. Relationships are complex and can he quite resilient as long as everyone stays committed.
    Brigit Delaney recently posted…ConnectionMy Profile

    1. Thank you

  18. Oh Sweet – so glad to have you writing again, have missed you. I never visited for the kink really, more for the honesty, for the peek into your loving situation which revolved around different things than mine. You have become a true and valued friend and – as others have said – always an intelligent and informative voice.

    I remember Christopher Reeve saying “never let your lover become your carer” but I think that is onlly the patient’s perspective. Unfortunately the less able one will see themself as a burden when their partner does not view them that way or feel anything but an outpouring of love to be able to help and be needed. I’m sure it is more that lockdown keeping Mr H indoors causes him to look exhausted and feel jaded – “you aint heavy, you’re his lover” (excuse the parody) but I’m sure this is true.

    So many of the other replies have offered great advice and support of the lousy way the NHS has left you to fend for yourself while your condition worsens – I echo those sentiments. From my own experience, illness made my ‘sexy’ get in a box and put itself out of sight – but it never went away. When my body felt better and my confidence bounced back, so did all my passions and sexy interests from before. Be patient and let the experts get you better and I’ve no doubt the other things will return too. In the mean time, blog away, we are all listening – as you see – and I’ll bet you’re helping others in similar situations of isolation or pain/ill health – you’re a wise champion. xx

    P.S I just wrote a post about being hairy too – Great minds think alike!
    Posy Churchgate recently posted…Wax Like a Porn StarMy Profile

    1. I will try to read that post Posy, thank you for your reply x you’re also a valued friend

  19. Life has been especially cruel over this past year, delaying much needed appointments and treatments. Know that you are often thought about and missed on chats, as proven by such supportive comments.
    You have your foundations to build on, as and when you can. Hang on in there. Sending hugs to you and Mr H
    lilly
    Lilly recently posted…Hook a SlutMy Profile

    1. Thank you Lilly

  20. I have wondered about you from time to time. I really had hoped that you had finally had the surgery you hoped for and that it had helped. So sorry to hear just you haven’t and that things have gotten even worse. You have much to offer still despite your limitations. MrH knows this. I think as we get this pandemic under control and life returns to a more “normal” place that passion may return. But I’m really hoping that you run into that special doctor who has plans that may help to eliminate your pain. Being free from pain would do wonders for your passion. I’m rambling but I’m really glad to hear from you. I continue to hope things get better for the two of you in the near future.

    1. I always enjoy reading your ramblings lol thank you the pain specialist seems to have a bit of a plan and we are already looking forward to the day hotels reopen!

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