If you are a follower of this blog, I want to thank you for sticking with me, I know my posts have become less and less frequent, and they have contained less kink, less sex, less passion. I have tried to pin point when this decline began and what precipitated it. I thought it was caused by my becoming so disabled so quickly, but I think that the root cause is much more complicated. The disability and pain has caused us to be less intimate. We have lost our passion. We have lost the intimacy we had. We have almost stopped being intimate all together.
The Caring Role.
My chronic pain escalated to such a degree that I can’t work any more, I’ve written about this before and of course that is another reason why I have reduced how much I write – who wants to read the same thing over and over again?
I have always wanted this blog to be authentic, real, honest. I can’t write about a sex life I am not having. I can’t write about being a submissive wife when I am more of a dependent than a wife, and you my dear reader, didn’t come here to be bored to death.
Mr H is my carer. He has also become isolated. At Christmas we bought him a bicycle so he can go out for exercise – he has bad knees so he can’t run anymore. He is one of those people who need to get outdoors for his mental health, I have never really been one of them. I’m quite happy to be inside. Mostly but I admit, I have not been outside since August – and that was a trip to the hospital.
Over the last 18 months he has had to start dressing me, helping me wash, bringing me food, and drinks. He is entirely responsible for keeping the house clean and tidy and I am just another one of the things he has become responsible for looking after.
Caring kills passion.
The down side is that with all this responsibility on his shoulders, Mr H is exhausted.
With the lack of exercise and drugs, I have put back on all the weight I lost a few years ago. I can’t shave my own legs (never mind my pussy!) and to be perfectly honest I can completely understand why the passion has left our marriage.
I hope that eventually I will again be able to take care of my own personal care, that maybe I will lose the weight again. I hope that at some point I will once again feel sexy – well I’d settle for slightly attractive to be perfectly frank.
It’s perhaps a strange thing, but I feel sexiest when Mr H makes me feel sexy. Perhaps I should have more self belief, or self confidence. Maybe I just set the feminist movement back 200 years, but I don’t have the ability to look at myself and see an attractive woman. All I see, when I look (which I don’t anymore) is a fat hairy burden.
I know Mr H is appalled that this is how I see myself, but unfortunately as I mentioned before, I do want this blog to be honest.
I wonder though, does this happen to all couples when one partner becomes disabled?
Does the partner who is the carer stop seeing the other one as a lover?
More importantly- how do you stop it and get back to being lovers? How do you find the passion?
Step One: Talk.
Mr H and I have talked about this of course, but I worry that this puts even more pressure on him and so I avoided sharing my feeling with him, bottling it up instead and feeling myself drifting further away. Now it has been shared, and talked about, but that doesn’t mean fixed.
It is going to require effort and work and time. We have to find a way to balance each role and still allow time for Mr H to recharge. He is registered as a carer now so we have access to more services and assistance. I hope that we can build a routine of sorts where he gets to go out on his bike. I may be stuck inside but he is not.
I guess I will let you know when I find out…..
I have linked this post to Wicked Wednesday #455 “sexual fantasy”. It doesn’t exactly fit the subject matter other than for the last few months I have wanted so much for us to have the kind of sex we used to. The sex I fantasied about for years. I recommend you visit the page and read the other posts entered, there will be many delightful reads.
I have also linked to Tell Me About #54 “Expectations” because this sure as hell wasn’t what I expected our life to be! Do visit the page and read the other linked posts, there will be many excellent entries.