Reflecting on – well everything

I said I wasn’t going to do this.  A old year reflection, a new year plan.  I don’t like it.  Plans suck.  Plans don’t happen.  At least for me.  So reflecting on 2019 all I see is a long list of failed plans.  And that sucks.

The things that didn’t happen

  • A biking holiday in Scotland
  • More Biking in general
  • Several Hotel Stays
  • Attending a rope workshop
  • Going to a BDSM event
  • Going out for a meal with some girlfriends
  • Turning a bedroom into a playroom
  • Finishing decorating the hallway
  • Visiting stately homes
  • Going for walks

Things that did

  • We went to a Motorcycle show which then led to
  • An ambulance ride to the hospital because of my back, followed by a short stay in hospital
  • In the summer S2 tried to commit suicide
  • And after he left home I had another trip to A&E because of my back.
  • One job lost because of my back pain among other things.
  • A new part time job.
  • S2 left home and then came back.
  • MrH had to go into hospital because of a very large kidney stone, and he will be back in hospital in January to have the stent removed.
  • Referral to an orthopedic spinal surgeon.
  • A new pain management procedure recommended by the pain team..
  • S2 got a temporary job. and today he found out he has been offered a permanent position.
  • I faced and began to accept I am disabled.

On reflection, the only planned event that did happen, going to the bike show, made my back problem worse!

What’s wrong with you anyway?

I am, at the moment, taking some pretty heavy drugs to manage my pain (morphine and diazepam on top of the tramadol) because I had to go to a medical assessment to claim a benefit.  Being on these drugs, is not ideal, but I am hoping that in 2020 I will be offered surgery that may ease my pain permanently.  I was asked recently what caused my back injury.  The thing is, it wasn’t caused by an injury.  I just have advanced osteoarthritis (sounds very unspectacular doesn’t it) but it is more advanced than it should be for a person of my age.  The space between my discs has reduced because the discs have dehydrated, and as a result the facet joints rub together.  Every time I move they rub together and it hurts me.  The area is inflamed and every little movement is painful,  even touching my back over the lumbar spine hurts so much I feel sick.

Happy New Year?

Sounds like it has been a shitty year doesn’t it? And it kinda has.  That’s all I see when I consider reflecting on the year.  All the crap that went wrong.

I still have MrH and I still have 2 children; given that each of them has considered taking their lives, the fact they are still here is something I am very grateful for.

Here comes 2020

I am seeing the surgeon soon and I am hoping they might do one of two possible surgerys.  Either a fusion surgery that will stop the bones rubbing together by re-spacing them. The disc that is touching the nerves won’t be squashed out into the nerve space causing that pain either.  Alternatively, a disc replacement surgery, which will have a similar effect.  It will respace the bones and stop them rubbing together.  At least that is my hope.  Because the plan they have given us for the last 9 years (learn to live with it) just isn;t working for us any more.  I have no life.

I have entered the Smut Marathon and I am excited and nervous in equal parts to be taking part in that.

We have booked to go to Eroticon in March and I am so very excited to go there.  There are so many bloggers who I can’t wait to meet and it will be so amazing to have a few days away with MrH in London.  Beyond that we have no plans for next year because until we know what the surgeon comes up with we will not know what we can and cannot do.

Sweetgirl x

Sweet Autumn Rose  


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  1. I hope despite your health issues, 2020 will be a fabulous year for you!

    Rebel xox

  2. I hope you get your back surgery. I have back issues as well and I know how painful that can be. Congratulations on all your achievements this year. Sorry to hear about the “bad times” of 2019 but that’s pretty fucking cool to be going to Eroticon in March, something to look forward to.

  3. I am sooo looking forward to meeting you in march.


  4. Just seen what Molly wrote – I am really looking forward to meeting you too Sweet and hope your pain eases over the year x

    1. me too 🙂 thank you

  5. Me too ❤

  6. David Proctor says:

    I’m finally accepting that I am disabled, handicapped from my multiple concussions and traumatic brain injuties which hsppened in June 2015. This disabling experience has become my lens to look at the world. Mine is not a visible handicap. It is still a challenge to accept that the me I knew is dead and that the new me is full of possibilty.
    You have so clearly shared what it is like to grieve the old familiar and birth the new unfamiliar. Thank you kindred spirit

  7. I really hope that 2020 will be a better year for you, Eroticon really sounds like a fantastic opportunity to have some fun and distract from the every day struggles with pain and worry for those you care about. And hopefully you will be able to get the right kind of surgery and things will improve immensely for you <3

    1. I hope for all these things too DS ❤

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