They’re obviously really aren’t they? Given my blog? I have talked about these two subjects many times. I guess there have been many, many lightbulb moments over the last 22 months that the introduction of submission has triggered. I’ve felt shame which I have talked about in my post I’m Gonna Show You Crazy as well as how my inner voice causes me a great deal of stress.
Our sex life has had a new lease of life and through honest communication it has also improved from my perspective. I think I will always regret my actions in deceiving Mr H about how often I would climax pre D/s as in all honesty any dissatisfaction I experienced was of my own doing.
Looking back through my life, many people I know would laugh at the idea of me being submissive in any way. I am known for being forthright and pushy, argumentative and challenging. But what I was feeling inside was often frightened and anxious.
I hid behind roles I would play, so people didn’t see the scared little girl inside.
I was 5 when my mum wrapped me in a sleeping bag and carried me out of the house into a strange car. I didn’t understand what was happening. I fell asleep on the drive and was carried into another house. My mum had been having an affair with my dads best friend. My world fell apart. I don’t think I ever recovered properly.
When Mr H came into my life things settled but I didn’t really drop the masks until after my dad passed away and I had a breakdown.
It took a while to recover and I still struggle. Introducing D/s has come with its own challenges. The emotional rollercoaster initially was difficult. I could cry at the drop of a hat. I felt needy and clingy. But as things have progressed that has settled. Allowing Mr H to take control. Not fighting him at every turn. Following instead of leading. All these things have meant I feel safe and secure.
Being submissive has changed my emotional equilibrium, provided a feeling of safety and security, and that’s allowed me to open up further, to divest myself of all my safety blankets (masks) and be totally honest with Mr H.
What can I say about sex? From the moment Mr H took charge I experienced the most amazing orgasms. I don’t cum every time we have sex. Sometimes that’s because Mr H has decided I’m not going to have one. Sometimes it’s because my head and body don’t align and that’s ok. If you look through my blog you’ll find many posts where I have detailed some of our sexual play.
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