I have written before about how, when we are less sexually active my submission and desire quickly vanish. I become snippy and argumentative. I am not as submissive in my mindset and from a sexual point of view, I go cold. A loss of libido if you will. When this happens it takes something deliberate and almost shocking to pull me back. This time, however it seems to have also affected Mr H too.
Twice in the last few weeks we have not done my morning collar exchange and I think it is because we have not been able to maintain our regular D/s activities, or have any time away. We have had play sessions at home but these can’t be compared to things like being away at a hotel where we have a few different play sessions, where we can leave our parental/vanilla roles behind and just “be” us.
Our last hotel stay was in April 2019, and it shows. We are, for want of a better word, going through the motions, and some of that is because of my Back. Mostly, it is because we have not had our time alone, away from home. Between my back pain, the additional financial burden we took on last year in paying for a flat for the boys to live in, and the loss of my job we have not been able to afford it.
We learned very early that Mr H does not relax fully at home. Even when the boys are not in, he worries they will come home. Going to a hotel is the only place he can fully engage with his Dom side and relax. So when it is going on for 10 months since we have been away and especially when those 10 months have been damn challenging, it is not surprising that our D/s connection has taken a hit. Unfortunately our sex life has also taken a hit along with it and it has taken my libido and desire with it.
It’s not surprising given the pain.
Well, really it isn’t is it? Since October last year, no scratch that, March, when I ended up back in hospital, our lives have become nothing more than an exercise in pain management. Mr H spends a lot of time caring for me, physically caring for me and as a result he spends a lot of time worrying about me. He does not want to make matters worse and so play has become stilted, careful. I can feel the difference as Mr H modulates everything he does out of concern for my well being. Now, don’t misunderstand me, I understand why he does this. At the moment the pain is unpredictable. Over the last 11 months the pain has just got worse, and worse, and since the PIP assessment in December well, it has just become almost unbearable.
I would like nothing more than to be able to be fucked hard and dirty, as we have in the past, but when I am in pain in almost every possible position, it just isn’t going to happen. So far this year, because of the worsening pain, we have had very little sex. Mr H has attempted to make things work a few times; telling me to suck his cock and when he has done this I have enjoyed it, but not as much as because the underlying dynamic has faltered a little and my head is not in the game so to speak. My libido has left the building. My desire is not on simmer- it’s in the cuboard.
Feed the fire.
Some subs enjoy denial, some even find it increases their desire. It has the complete opposite effect on me. The less sex I have the less I feel the need for it, the less attractive I feel and the more distant I become. The longer that goes on, the harder it is for me to get aroused. My mind switches off. My desire runs away – or hides away. If we don’t feed the fire it goes out. And, before anyone says, well if Mr H doesn’t want to have sex, you could always masterbate, this also has the opposite effect on me. I need the connection with Mr H to feel fully satisfied. Masterbation for the sake of it leaves me cold. It does not bring be closer to Mr H, it moves me further away. I don’t want to ‘take care of myself’ in that way, it is the one time I really do want Mr H to take care of me.
Loss of Desire.
This loss of libido isn’t good for me. It really does affect so many things. If Mr H doesn’t want to have sex with me, my mind can very quickly decide that he must not find me attractive. When he then decides to have sex I am so tuned out that my body doesn’t respond. This leads to a very poor experience for all. For example, last week Mr H asked me if I felt able to (from a will it hurt you point of view) suck his cock and pleasure him. I said this was ok and so I did. But, my head wasn’t really into it and Mr H could tell, his body didn’t respond well either and the whole thing felt forced. It was as if we were both ‘trying’ too hard. Mr H prefers to cum in my vagina, and will stop oral play to finish inside me. On this occasion, I was so dry, so unaroused, that I had small grazes around my vagina afterwards. I hate that I am not able to just switch on, that I need Mr H to make so much effort.
But we are just normal people after all, and the strain my back pain has placed on us was always going to take a toll. I can’t lie completely flat, or sit up, or stand up. How do you keep your passionate connection alive when you have, at most, 8 hours a week alone?* The last 11 months have taken a huge toll on our D/s, and I hate it. I hate it. The decision to cancel going to Eroticon is just another gut punch. We have booked a hotel closer to home, and we will have to see if I am well enough to go nearer to the time. I hate that too. That everything we do is determined by waiting to see if I am well enough. It is hardly surprising that there are moments when I feel like a burden and that while Mr H is doing his absolute best to take care of me, nurturing our intimate, sexual, D/s connection falls by the wayside.
I don’t know if the medications I have been put onto are also having an effect on my libido, as it is a known possible side effect. I am reluctant to jump on that as the cause when I know this has happened to me before. What I am sure of is that we will find our way out of this situation, I just don’t know how or when.
*That’s how many hours S2 works