Tell Me About: The Power Exchange

The power exchange between MrH and myself is at the core of what we do.  When we started D/s and I asked MrH to take control I didn’t realise how much it would change our lives. I definitely didn’t realise how much better our lives would become.

What was it like before?

Before, I tried to control every aspect of our lives.  Where we went out to (when we went out). What we bought.  When we had sex.  The only thing in our day to day lives that MrH really controlled was what we watched on TV, and even then I would want to watch my favourite shows. Looking back I think I was quite selfish. I believed I was protecting myself from hurt by maintaining that control. In my mind I believed that when MrH eventually left me (because I couldn’t shake the belief that he would) I would survive because I was in charge!

This insecurity and obsession with control meant I was anxious and stressed a lot.  When things didn’t go to plan my anxiety would rise even higher.  I would be frustrated that MrH didn’t do things, things that I hadn’t actually asked him to do.  I would be frustrated when we didn’t have sex when I wanted to and believed this was further evidence he would leave me.

What changed?

When I asked MrH to include D/s in our relationship, in June 2017, MrH did a lot of research.  He probably did more research than I did, which is unusual. Normally I take a topic and research it to the nth degree but with this I didn’t.  I think, in my mind, I decided that if he truly wanted to be in charge then he needed to be the one who did the research.  I guess I was trying to challenge him, to test him.

He rose to the challenge, although it took me quite a while to recognise and accept that.  Looking back I think I resisted his Dominance for the first 6 months.  I would let him take charge and then I would ask him if he was enjoying it or if he was happy. I questioned his decisions.

We started off bedroom only. MrH thought that introducing a power exchange throughout our life would be problematic.  Well in truth he thought it would be something that would cause questions from outsiders that he didn’t want to be in a position to have to answer.  Most of our friends and family think that I am the power holder in our relationship and we thought that if suddenly I was deferring to to MrH it would raise eyebrows. I didn’t care, I still don’t. I’m content with things how they are and I don’t care what everyone else thinks about it. I’ll happily tell them it’s none of their business!

Total Power Exchange (fantasy)

Of course MrH and I had differing ideas of what the power exchange would look like in the beginning.  I wanted MrH to be 100% in charge.  I wanted him to open the car door, no more than that, I wanted him to tell me I couldn’t get out of the car until he opened the door and helped me out.  I wanted him to order me around.  I wanted him to send me to get him drinks and snacks.  I wanted him to make me his sex slave/toy.  I wanted to be tied up and fucked.  I wanted him to take the reins and run with them. I did not want to be able to make any decisions other than taking myself to the toilet.

I wanted him to tell me what I could eat and punish me if I ate anything else. I imagined him giving me a menu.

I wanted him to monitor how much I drank and punish me if I didn’t drink enough. I imagined him asking me what colour my pee was and him making me drink more water when I got home if it was not pale.

I wanted him to feel comfortable, no, empowered enough to strip me and fuck me any time he wanted to. I imagined that when we got home from work and he was getting changed he would have me suck his cock or he would fuck me.

I wanted him to give me instructions and rules and control everything I did outside of work.

The reality

MrH is more cautious and careful than I am.  I’m still not entirely sure how he envisioned the power exchange working for us. He probably didn’t have a plan opting instead to allow things to evolve naturally.

He is caring and considerate.  He is gentle and kind.  I think because of that, it took a while for him to allow himself to be selfish, by that I mean he has always been considerate as a lover, and he would try to make sure I enjoyed myself, before he came.  It took some time before he would fuck me without taking that into consideration, but for me, when he did, it was a great moment. I needed to feel that he would do that to me. I wanted to feel that he had that desire and power.

I had started to feel that perhaps I had emasculated him in the past; that I had taken his power away from him because once he had that power he seemed to take control quite naturally.

Many of the things I imagined didn’t become reality. I suppose the sexual side is hindered by S2 living at home, but the other aspects diet and fluid are probably because MrH does want to take control of these things in that way.

I do have rules about asking to have synned foods which I mostly follow. In all honesty it depends how focused I am and how submissive I’m feeling. When the submission falters (MrH isn’t enforcing rules) a little then I discard rules. I’m also required to drink 1 ltr of fluid which I manage every day.

These rules have evolved over time and I’m sure they will change again.

Sexual Dominance

I’m sure as you have read this, and as you read my blog, you’ll see that I want very much to be sexually dominated. I like to be overpowered and to feel powerless. I get most turned on when I feel that way. In our bedroom is the one place that MrH gets to be most Dominant because in that room we are alone. Having said that lately he has taken to giving me the odd ‘reminder’ spank downstairs when I am miss behaving.

To this day the most memorable sexual experience was the time MrH was most dominating. He told me he would only stop if I used my safeword. He used his clone to take me anally and he fucked my face. I’ve never felt more submissive or had such a damn good time. He put into the position he wanted me in. When he pushed the clone into my arse he didn’t hesitate, he didn’t back off when I whimpered (you know at that point where you always feel like it doesn’t want to go in- when you have to relax and let it in) he just told me to relax and pushed it in. He was completely in control and I was his. I was in sub space quickly and didn’t come down for days.

It’s unfortunate that new things quickly become normal and what used to send me into sub space no longer does. It used to be that using the doxy to force orgasm me and fucking my face would send me there. Now it doesn’t. It’s become normal.

When MrH pushes his sexual dominance like this then I feel his power most effectively. I submit to that power exchange outside the bedroom more readily. The sexual intimacy and connection is important to me.

I don’t know

Of course since MrH took charge there have been some odd side effects. I haven’t been able to fully make a decision without second guessing myself. There are days, when I feel most submissive, that I couldn’t tell you what we should have for tea. My brain stumbles over the concept of making the decision and I wait for MrH to say what we are having. Strangely enough before our D/s, if MrH picked something for tea and I didn’t want to eat it I would speak up or change his mind. Now I’m happy to eat whatever he picks, in fact I’m happier when he does pick. It fits my fantasy.

When he says No.

It’s a powerful word.

Today we walked to the shop and I asked if I could have an ice cream. MrH said no. I’d been feeling a bit low all day but that act, that show of power had my pussy throbbing for about an hour.

I think that a power exchange only works when one party is willing to say no. I must admit I like it when MrH says no. Well not like it exactly, I mean I don’t jump up and down excited. He doesn’t say no often but when he does I feel his power and control. I like it when he decides what I can and more importantly can’t do.

Following instructions (or rules) is only one part of that. The person given control has to be willing to take control.

The Future

We’re very new, I think, at D/s and the power exchange it involves. I think the more time goes on the more power MrH will take but he works to his own timetable and I no matter how much I want him to take more power, that’s not for me to decide.

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  1. Great post! The thing I think people have to remember is you have to LET a dominant take control. Like the ice cream.. what would have happened if you had argued? He would have felt like you didn’t WANT him to take control. It’s those kinds of little things that can add up and ruin a good dynamic and even the relationship as a whole. One of the worst things you can do to a dominant is to offer them control, tell them how much you need it…. then undermine that control.

  2. Very interesting your “fantasy power exchange” – a few comments on my post discuss the difference between slave and sub – and I know there are a few people in our community who identify as slaves. Your relationship sounds wonderful! I do have to say I have read a lot about how a D’s grows from the woman being the one initially in control and decides she wants to give that up . Interesting x

  3. […] Tell Me About: The Power Exchange […]

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