Respect is, in my opinion, one of the cornerstones required for any relationship, not just a D/s one, but how we show that respect can be different from person to person. If an outsider looked in on Mr H and I in the middle of a D/s play session they may feel he shows me no respect at all, for what husband with respect for his wife would call her his slut or whore? Well, one who knows that in the right context these words turn her on, I suppose, and so as always I will apply the caveat, that the thoughts expressed here apply to my relationship and is my opinion, which may differ from yours.
Wise words from my grandmother.
My Grandmother was full of amazing advice. I have mentioned her before and how I model my relationship on theirs. One of the things she told me was, “you should never speak disrespectfully about your husband (or wife) to other people and you shouldn’t be telling your friends you are unhappy because there are only two* people who matter in a marriage, and only two people who can change it.” She meant your friends and family, but increasingly today I see people airing their laundry on social media for all the world to see. Of course I talk about our relationship on here, but I do so with Mr H’s knowledge, and I do not do so disrespectfully.
When I discuss our relationship I do so in order to convey the ups and downs of normal married life. It is not meant to make him feel inadequate, or belittle him in any way because I feel that would be disrespectful. On a few occasions he has been upset by things I have written on my blog, and there have been occasions that my posts have been modified after publication but that happened more when my blog was new and we were working out ‘how’ to moderate the content to ensure it remained respectful while maintaining the authenticity of being autobiographical. In my post “Hairy Pussy” I discussed how my disability was affecting me and our relationship. Mr H and I discussed my feelings at length after the post was written and I followed the post with “Prioritising Intimacy” which explained how we did this and how we planned to resolve the situation. It was shared in order to demonstrate how we dealt with it, and for no other reason.
The problem with social media.
Although I do discuss our lives on here, what I do not do, is plaster it on social media. I do not believe it is appropriate to have personal conversations displayed on facebook or twitter for all and sundry to see and I do not wish to be privy to what should be a private conversation. I stopped going on facebook about 3 years ago when I was fed up to the back teeth of people bad mouthing their partners, sharing every detail of their lives (I do not need to see a picture every time a baby drools) or even more annoying, the attention seeking “I’m done/fed up/upset/had the worst day ever” posts. Either tell people why or don’t, but expecting the world to DM you asking “what’s up?” is just attention seeking!
I follow a number of D/s bloggers on twitter, (which I use primarily as a tool for sharing my blog posts), bloggers like Submissy and Hislordship, Marie Rebelle, May More, and Purplesgem who all have twitter accounts. These bloggers do not have personal conversations on Twitter either, although they do write about their relationships on their blogs where they are able to provide context. I also believe they feel that it isn’t necessary to prove how much you ‘love’ someone by putting it all over social media.
One of the things I found when we started our D/s journey was that we (Mr H and I) did not talk as much as we ought to. We were comfortable, things were fine, and we were happy, but when we started to communicate more effectively with each other, our relationship improved a lot. When I am unsettled, I don’t stew on it anymore, I either speak out, or I write about it so Mr H can read it and he can talk to me about it. I do not seek the advice or solace of people outside our relationship, although on occasion I have spoken to friends when Mr H is unable to talk and I need to vent feelings so I do not explode. Mostly this is due to frustration with my physical condition, and during work hours Mr H can’t take time to remind me how unreasonable I am being, and I do not do it in a public forum, because I have respect for him.
Love, honor and Obey.
Mr H has always treated me with respect. He speaks to me kindly, is always polite and hardly ever swears. He is what you would call a gentleman, and he treats me like a lady. I know he wishes I didn’t swear as much as I do, and so out of respect to his wishes I try not to. I do not always succeed. He shows me he loves me every day, and I do not need him to do so on social media for it to be true. For my part I try hard to speak to him with deference, but I am not perfect, and with my current situation frustration often colours my tone. When this happens, as soon as the words pass my lips I wish I could call them back. This isn’t possible, but I apologise to him for being rude or disrespectful, I do this privately, out of respect for our relationship. Our marriage is not an episode of ‘I’m a celebrity..’ I do not require public likes or votes to make it meaningful.
Respect and D/s.
With the D/s in our relationship there are also boundaries we have agreed on and must be respected, safewords and activities that have been placed on a no list. If you do not have respect for each other, on a basic level, I would suggest that you have no business engaging in a D/s dynamic.
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* Yes I know, if you are in a poly relationship there are more than two! but my gran didn’t know of any polyamorous relationships.