Punishment and Rewards

Punishment or Discipline?

In the world of BDSM, the ‘D’ can mean Discipline or Dominance.  We don’t really explore the full scope of BDSM, because I am not a huge fan of pain.  I do not want bruises or to bleed as some people who are masochistic do; and I don’t believe that MrH would want me bruised and bloodied.  We exist more in the BD (Bondage & Discipline) and the DS (Dominance & Submission) range. While we explore bondage, (I love being tied up), we do not do much by way of discipline.


I have a set of rules to follow and they are not difficult, but I am human and flawed, so there are times when I do not.  The ones I don’t follow well are about eating and drinking.  I do not drink as much as I am required to.  I don’t remember to write down or track what I drink in an app, so I have no idea if I meet the daily target,  I am not allowed to eat foods that are off plan without permission, and occasionally I do.  The thing is, when I don’t follow the rules there isn’t a consequence that makes me not want to break the rule.

The Carrot or The Stick?

It generally thought that people are better motivated when they are offered a reward for their efforts. MrH has tried offering an incentive for good behavior, but unfortunately it doesn’t motivate me.  Usually something stops me from getting what I want.  I mean I want my navel pierced but MRIs, X-rays and operations are not possible with piercings.  There isn’t anything I want enough to make me follow the rules.   Rather than a reason to do it, I need a reason not to.  In my case a stick is more successful than the carrot.

Punishments can’t be fun.

There are many ways to punish someone.   Some of my early infractions were dealt with by me having to write lines.  I disliked it, but it wasn’t difficult,  and it didn’t really stop me from doing it again.   Although in the case of not going downstairs at night without permission I have never broken that rule again.   I believe a spanking would be more effective, but MrH believes that because I like being spanked it wouldn’t be a punishment.

It’s all about the delivery.

I believe that if MrH delivered a spanking as a punishment it would not be enjoyable. Whether by hand, with the squealer or paddle, if his intent was to punish me the intent would be different.  For example:

“Sweetgirl, come here. You failed to follow one of your rules, please tell me again what you did wrong.  I want to know you understand.”

“I ate a cake without asking permission.  This is against the rules Sir.”

“I am disappointed that you did not follow my rule.  It is there for your benefit because you asked me to help you.  You will now receive 5 spanks with the paddle.  They will hurt.  This is so you remember what you did wrong and deter you from doing it again.  After you have been spanked you will apologise and be forgiven.  Do you understand and agree to your punishment?”

“Yes Sir.”

“Get onto the bed, on your hands and knees.  I will count each strike.  If you need to cry out do so, I will not stop unless you safeword, and even then it will continue when you have had a minute.”

SMACK, “5”, SMACK, “4”, SMACK, “3”, SMACK, “2”, SMACK, “1”.

“All done.”

“I am sorry Sir.”

“You are forgiven, you will not think about this, or beat yourself up, it is over. Come here for a hug”

This is very different in tone and delivery to a fun spanking, like the one described in my recent post and MrH would probably struggle with this kind of scenario.

What works for you.

I think as with any topic you have to come up with a plan that you both agree with.  You have to be comfortable with it and when one person isn’t sure,  then further discussion is needed.  Is it something that should be pushed past?  Is this about getting out of your comfort zone and exploring new things? Or, is it something that you absolutely can not do?  Either way, it is important to communicate with each other and then decide what works for you.

Sweetgirl x

Sweet Autumn Rose  


This post is linked to Sex Bloggers for Mental Health #48, ‘Rewards & Punishments’, click HERE to see more posts inspired by the topic.

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  1. It’s interesting that in your dynamic there aren’t many consequences for not following the rules. I’m very much like you in that I need something to stop me doing it, otherwise there simply isn’t enough motivation. Though for me, it’s not only the punishment itself but knowing that I broke a rule or messed up is a punishment on its own too. And in that regards, I think your view on how if he spanked you as a punishment would be very different from if it’s for fun.

    For me though, I need punishments because I can’t forgive myself without them as I beat myself up too much. By going through a punishment I feel like I make up for my sins and it helps me. I’d feel kind of lost if there were rules and there’d be no consequence if I broke them

    1. Thank you for your reply, I completely understand where you are coming from ❤

  2. Thank you … that’s what I do and why I think it would work for me.

  3. Yes I agree a spanking can be a punishment as well as something u can enjoy – and it depends on how it is done for sure. And as u say the key word is the “intent”

  4. You said it perfectly in your last paragraph and I agree 100% with it.

  5. It is indeed all in the intent and delivery. I get both spankings to relieve the pressure and put me in subspace and spankings as a consequence. It’s the added knowledge that I have disappointed Him that makes the second type a punishment.

    1. Yes I think that would make it different for me too

  6. I am so new on this journey but really interested to read your view on things. Sometimes I get punished by a look or silence and I just try and tell myself i will do better. However, we are all human and no-one is perfect. I am having fun and if it stops being fun and I start beating myself up something has to change.

    1. Thank you for your comment – For me that’s the thing that helps me, if he spanks me it allows me to draw a line under it and move on without beating myself up any more.

  7. Revisitng your most popular SB4MH post 🙂

  8. […] behavior or situation that results from this training”. A few weeks ago we discussed punishment, but how does discipline fit into a D/s […]

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