This morning I got my journal out and looked back over some of my early posts. One of the things I noticed most was the emotional turmoil I experienced in those early weeks, and how we dealt with it, or more to the point how we struggled to deal with it. The rollercoaster of emotions took us by surprise and we didn’t communicate enough.
Suddenly I needed contact with Mr H. I needed to be near him, even following him around the house. When I was at work I felt desolate I needed him to be checking in on me letting me know he was still there. I felt like a burden to be so needy.. if I didn’t have sufficient contact I became distressed, emotional and, would often end up in tears.
I needed his direction and input. I wanted him to tell me that he was happy with my clothing choices (or to tell me what to wear). I needed him to tell me how to position myself during play, we didn’t have restraints so I needed him to tell me where to place my limbs and especially what to do with my body as play progressed. I needed reassurance that I was pleasing him.
In these early weeks I also struggled to verbalise intimate requests. I struggled to get my head round the idea of what it meant to be a submissive. In my mind I had decided that meant I shouldn’t ask Mr H to do things, I mustn’t tell him what I wanted. I thought that would be trying to top from the bottom. Instead I poured these thoughts, wants and needs into my journal trying to sort them out in my head, and to work out how to tell Mr H what was working and what wasn’t.
A Dom is not a mind reader.
Eventually having asked a few other subs on a couple of forums for advice I decided to ask Mr H to read my journal entries. He read it and responded that I had to tell him what I was thinking, what I wanted from him, what I would like, and especially things that upset me. He said he didn’t believe it to be topping from the bottom to communicate honestly as he will ultimately decide how to use the information I share. He also, very wisely, pointed out that he isn’t a mind reader and so he does rely on me telling him what I’m thinking. Especially as we are both learning what these roles entail.
Mr H did start to give me more verbal queues and he checked in on me throughout the day. He keeps me close when we’re at home, with his arm around me or sometimes holding my hand. The more he did this the more submissive I felt, and ultimately the less anxious I have been. Now, as soon as I leave work I am back in sub mode. Mr H ensures I am fully focused on him and I am now pretty much always in a submissive mind set when I am at home and it’s amazing.
I still worry that the emotional needs that have surfaced are too much, but Mr H assured me they are not, and I am learning (slowly) to accept what he says as being true without questioning it..
So, what was the point to this rambling post? Hopefully to encourage new subs that emotional turmoil is normal; to encourage them to share what they are thinking and feeling. That way their Dominant can look after them and guide them through this rollercoaster of emotions, until they are ready to develop their submission further.
Mr H and I are 5 months into our D/s relationship and we both have lots to learn. I’m sure that I will have more ups and downs, everything is intensified somehow. But I’m so glad that Mr H and I are making this journey together.