Normally I wouldn’t use the phrase “must” or “should” in relation to BDSM. Normally I would say do what works for you. But, in this one thing I am going to. In my opinion you cannot and should not be in any form of BDSM relationship without Trust.
Whether it’s Bondage, Discipline, Dominance and submission, Sadism or Masochism, every aspect requires Trust.
In the beginning, I believed MrH and I Trusted each other. I opened the door to D/s and that Trust was tested and explored more thoroughly than ever.
I asked MrH questions I had always been too afraid to ask.
“Do you want to play/have sex with other people?” Was the scariest for me. Why? Because I was afraid he would say “Yes.”
MrH’s response was “No,” but it didn’t stop me from having nightmares for weeks. Not because I didn’t Trust MrH rather I didn’t believe in myself.
I opened up and told MrH about the nightmares, something I wouldn’t have done in the past. We talked and he reassured me that our relationship was between us. There wouldn’t be any others involved, he wouldn’t be playing with another woman and he wouldn’t tolerate another person playing with me.
MrH also added a new line to our ritual designed to remind me that I am the only one he wants to have sex with and slowly my anxiety lessened, and the nightmares stopped.
Lessons in Trust
If you follow my blog you know I have a bad back (putting it mildly) and MrH has doubts that I would tell him if was uncomfortable during play. He worried that I would be so focused on not disappointing him that I would put myself at risk. So he had to Trust that I would tell him. This came from doing I suppose more than anything. I reassured him and promised to tell him, and on the occasions when I have become uncomfortable I have spoken up.
This goes for all types of play. Bondage and Impact play particularly. You each have to Trust the other. The submissive Trusts the Dominant will stop if they use their safe word. The Dominant has to Trust that the submissive will use the safe word when they need to.
The Truth will Out
There are other things that require Trust. If you have rules to follow within your dynamic as I do, there will be some element of self discipline and holding yourself accountable. As MrH and I are not together all day, everyday, I have to tell him if I break a rule.
He has to Trust me to do that. I am not very Disciplined at this when it comes to my diet. I follow every rule except this one perfectly and unfortunately it’s mainly because I’m a comfort eater, and when I get stressed at work and there’s snacks about I eat without actually thinking about it. 9 times out of 10 I don’t even realise what I’ve done. I’m under no illusions that MrH is well aware that I don’t follow this rule as well as I should. I also know he lets it slide because at the moment I’m in an extraordinary amount of pain and trying to function at work as normal.
I’m a work in progress I guess.
Trust In Me and You
MrH and I are almost 2 years into this Dynamic and I think as it stands our foundation has become stronger than ever because we have reinforced our relationship with a deeper level of Trust.
I used to be afraid he would leave me, find someone with less emotional/mental baggage, someone thinner, sexier… etc. Now I Trust him when he says he doesn’t want anyone else. I believe him.
I didn’t Trust him to make decisions. When he did I questioned and challenged so he stopped making them. Putting him in charge has made a huge difference to my anxiety. I don’t even try to tell him which way to drive me to work. When he says “which way should I go?” I now reply with “you’re driving, any way you like.”
The bottom line
I have seen a couple who started to explore kink implode, because they didn’t have the level of Trust required. They didn’t Trust each other with what they were feeling and thinking, one just steamed ahead while the other flagged behind. From the outside it was obvious, but they were each in their own world and didn’t communicate. They didn’t Trust each other with their truths. As a result their relationship almost ended; Their journey into BDSM has.
I’ve deliberately used bold text every time I’ve used the word Trust. If you don’t have it please don’t explore any form of BDSM. You have to have it to be safe.
Even as a couple that have been together over 20 years we had to build a new level of Trust as we explored these things. Each aspect tested and pushed carefully. Each step slow and deliberate. We are still fortifying our relationship with Trust as we push our impact play to last longer, be harder, and we talk each week to discuss thoughts and fears.
For me Trust is built through a combination of communication and action. It takes time to build and shouldn’t be given without careful thought. It takes time. On the other hand, it is fragile and can be broken easily, so when you have it it has to be nurtured and cared for regularly, for when it is lost it may never be repaired.
For more posts about Trust as part of the Tell Me About project click the image above.