Our plans for this week originally began with 2 nights away at our favourite hotel. Those two nights would have been filled with sex and rope and impact play. We would have dined in the restaurant, loved each other and laughed in a bubble. Instead we moved T and J into their new home and the hotel has been cancelled.
Best laid plans.
We focused on the following week. Making plans to get our playroom set up and painted. We could play and have a fucking fabulous time. Wrong again.
Monday morning the council decided to sort out the rising damp in our home. So our soon to be playroom is full of things from our kitchen, and our kitchen is a building site. They have still got to do the hallway, and one wall in our living room. Mr H and I are essentially banished to our bedroom with our cats.
Our female cat the tabby on the right) is not happy with this arrangement…
And, neither are we.. Mr H is bored. I mean really bored. He hates laying in bed, and we may be strictly speaking on the bed but the principal is the same.
Yesterday he worked on another collar. Same design but with a tweak.
It’s very cool. Today he has played with his lock pick kit.
The thing is we are still settling into our new situation. The house feels quiet and my emotions are a bit up and down. I kinda needed the distraction this week. I’ve done really well. I haven’t checked my work email. I haven’t messaged them, and they haven’t contacted me. I have still thought/worried about it.
Last night we had out Wednesday night chat. I had a few ideas of what we could talk about, in case Mr H didn’t have anything, and I had, during the day read some of our early email exchanges which had made me smile, looking at how far we have come. Mr H didn’t have anything and so we went through the things I had jotted down.
We have tried having some behavioural rules. These have ranged from general, only eat foods approved by your diet plan & obtain approval for syns, to take pictures of everything you eat or drink.
Mr H expressed that he just doesn’t think they work for us because it requires a level of oversight that isn’t practical. He also isn’t sure he could smack me hard enough to hurt me, actually hurt me enough to punish me, which makes discipline difficult. I can’t handle verbal chastisement. He once told me off after I confessed to eating something I shouldn’t have and he told me how disappointed he was, and went on to ask what was the point doing this (D/s) if I couldn’t follow the rules. This sent me into a tailspin of panic thinking he didn’t want to be my Dominant. Given that reaction and the upset, he agreed that he wouldn’t do that again.
I have since wondered if this isn’t actually something that would work but it would need to be delivered in a different way. I hate to think I disappoint him, but I can’t have him saying things that make me insecure with our dynamic or relationship and again, I don’t know if he would feel able to do that.
Unfortunately that means the forms of punishments available are limited. Writing lines or some form of physical punishment. Writing lines isn’t always effective, (although I do wake him up if I need to go downstairs in the night after the punishment I received for not doing so), I don’t know how he would feel about making me stand in a corner, removing privileges such as TV or phone, or sending me to bed, and as I already said Mr H isn’t sure he can spank me with the intention that I won’t like it.
I guess this is something that Mr H has control over. He has to be comfortable. I understand it conflicts with his instinct to protect me. At the moment, although we have some rules in place, while there isn’t a system for monitoring the rules, enforcing rule breaking, or rewarding good behaviour, I admit I find it hard to be motivated to follow them.
Mr H has a lot of plans once the play room is sorted. He wants to do more rope play, more wax play, more flogging and well more of everything. He wanted to leave a bed in there for sex play, but I have vetoed that.
The bed in there has a cheap mattress. The frame is low and, perhaps this sounds silly, but I want to use the whole house. I don’t want to fuck in an uncomfortable bed and I don’t want to end up only fucking in the play room. I like our bed. I like our bedroom. I like being able to snuggle and drift for as long as I want after play.
I’m happy to have a room for flogging, rope and wax play. A room with a lot of space and light. But when it comes to sexual play, I want to be in a comfortable bed.
Because of the question mark Mr H asked laughing if this meant I didn’t want to have sex again. I was quick to dispel that notion. I said I just wanted to talk about how being alone was going to change things. How we needed to be able to recreate our hotel mindset at home, and if he had a plan to do so. He said not yet.
More what? Ahh, so this I said was the usual. I want more of everything… he just laughed and said that was nothing new. He said he knows we travel at different speeds but he is in control.
I accept that, and understand it. I’m not pushing him to do more than he wants to, I just want him to know he can move forward when he is ready, so I wanted to make sure he knew it.
I admit, I really want to explore this. I wanted to ask him to spank me 10 times as hard as he can but I chickened out. I want to know what it would feel like, to feel his strength, his power. I want him to know he can’t break me, because I know he worries about it and holds back. The problem is, unless the gives it a go, he won’t know and neither will I.
Sweet Autumn Rose