But I don’t feel right. I usually feel calm and content. But instead I feel sad, disconnected, distant. Although S1 headed off to London and we “in theory” had our old routines back things just don’t feel right.
That’s not to say MrH and I haven’t played because we have. We have tested the replacement wand. And I’ve been allowed to suck MrH’s cock before bed time twice this week. He allows this for a time and then he will instruct me to stop and fuck me until he cums. These play sessions are not about me they are for his pleasure only and I’m ok with that – more than ok- it feeds my submissive mental state and I get more than a little turned on by being used for his pleasure.
The child has, however, announced he is coming back 😢 this weekend. He will be leaving again but still I’m dreading him coming back. Even for a short time. He’s my son and I love him. But he upsets the whole house and he doesn’t like being here which makes it worse.
I told MrH today that I’m not feeling right. That I feel disconnected from my submission (that is to say the level of submission I am used to) and I feel distant from him. And I’ve said I would like some additional discipline or high protocol time to pull my head back to him.
In all honesty I have no idea what I need. I know I don’t feel like I should or I want to. I’m not following his rules all the time and I don’t self report because I don’t feel I get punished in a way that works for me, so there’s no point. Last time I confessed to eating off plan he told me he was disappointed and although I was in tears I felt rejected not disciplined. I suppose in some ways there’s a disparity between how I envision punishment and how he does. Writing lines is boring but it’s not something I dread. I don’t mind writing. What I crave in some ways is for him to punish me. Really make me cry not from emotional pain but physical pain. But then I think that the thing that would really put the brakes on that is the children living at home and I don’t think it’s something he wants to do either.
I’m sure they would hear me crying out or the sound of the punishment. And that conversation is not one we intend to have. But when he says he is disappointed, and I don’t know what to do here, just makes me feel that he will leave and find someone who doesn’t disappoint. I suppose that I want something that will be short, sharp, uncomfortable and over. The idea of a physical punishment that breaks me, hurts me so bad that I’m crying so that afterwards Sir would hold me and soothe me and using aftercare etc show me how much I am cared for and loved despite letting him down, despite not being perfect, despite failing he still wants and cares for me, appeals to me. The punishment and then care.
The thing is, I want to follow the rules. They are all good for me. But when my head is not level I falter.
When we last went away (and this keeps going round in my head) MrH asked me if I remembered my Safewords. He told me good because I’m only going to stop if you use them.
The anticipation of what he would do was intoxicating. I imagined some heavy impact play. Maybe forced orgasms. Lots of delicious things. Unfortunately the wand broke. And things didn’t flow – maybe because I was (in my head) trying to work out what Sir was planning it stopped me from drifting into subspace, the food was awful and well it wasn’t great as it could have been. At no time was I pushed to a point where I would have called yellow for a time out, never mind red. I was not thinking safe words at all. Maybe I am a little disappointed that it didn’t happen. That the play didn’t push any boundaries as much as it was still very enjoyable.
Now I sound ungrateful and critical of MrH but I don’t mean to. After all this is a joint journey and we all have to be comfortable with the way things go. There will always be an element of compromise and circumstances have to be taken into account.
MrH has said he will try this weekend to help pull me back. Watch this space….