“I want you to fuck my ass,” was one of the first dirty things I asked Mr H for, if you don’t count spanking or asking him to be my Dominant. It was also one of the hardest things I have asked for. In fact asking him to do things to me is something I find really, really hard.
But why?
This is something I ask myself time and time again. Why, why, why? The thing is, I really don’t know. Why can’t I just say what I want or what I would like. It isn’t as if I don’t have the vocabulary.
I would like you to fuck my arse please?
It isn’t that difficult.
Please would you put a finger inside me?
I’m almost certain Mr H would like me to say it.
Would you give me oral sex please?
So what stops me? I guess my main worry is that he will say no even though the evidence suggests this isn’t true – see A Dirty Treat.
Rejection.
A few years ago our sexual relationship was not great, I would reach out to him and ask if we could have some grown up fun and he would say he was tired. I was really overweight and I believed that made Mr H not want me where in reality he was unhappy at work, working long hours, worried about my mental health and simply tired a lot. Between my menstrual issues that created limited opportunities for sex, and the rejections, we probably only had sex 6 times in a 12 to 18 month period. Every time I felt that he had not wanted to really, he was just doing it for a quiet life.
There were many nights when he would go to sleep and I would cry, feeling fat and disgusting. My self worth is pretty fragile and at my core I react very badly to the word no.
What you say v’s what I hear.
When Mr H says he is tired, I hear I don’t want you. My inner monologue turns it into a personal rejection and I am tired becomes an excuse he says rather than admitting that I disgust him. I try very hard to silence that mean bitch – I mean my inner voice, because she is mean! Really mean!
Even with everything we have been through, the steps forward with the D/s I still fear that deep down he is only with me until someone better comes along. We have been together for almost 25 years, and I think his mum still thinks he made a mistake.
Rejecting Fear.
So what am I going to do? That’s the million pound question. At some point I am going to have to face the fear head on and start asking for things. Perhaps that will be my personal development aim for 2020. I am going to have to find a way to stop that inner bitch from turning a no into a whole conversation. Mr H will help me if I ask him to and he will probably enjoy watching me blush when I ask him to fuck my ass too.
Sweetgirl x
This post was linked to Wicked Wednesday #396, click HERE to see more posts inspired by the topic.
Maybe I should join you and make this a goal for myself too in 2020: to ask for what I want. Seeing the circumstances as they are, asking might just be what we need to spark some things again… but… there is still the fear of rejection.
Rebel xox
Yep… maybe we could form our own support group?!
I’m in! It is definitely a weak spot of mine, too.
Excellent we just need a name …the lost for words club?
Great goal. I personally actually prefer anal. When I was still ‘working’, I tried to make a point of cleaning myself out in my rear area and making sure they knew it. Just as part of the personal hygiene. I would say that over half the men I was with then became curious. Just a thought.
Hey, he’s not likely to turn you down, and if you don’t ask, you don’t get……..always 😉
What is the best cleaning routine for you, or anyone else reading this?!
MrH is in control of our schedule and he does say no, for many reasons. He tells me that I can ask for anything but he might not say yes.
If I have notice and instructions to prepare Ihave an anal blub, I just fill it with warm water, lube the end, insert, squeeze, empty. I repeat a couple of times.
Otherwise, prior to play I always visit the loo and I give myself a quick wipe with a wet wipe.
Awww I just want to give you a big hug (is that ok to say?)
Awww I just want to give you a big hug (is that ok to say that?)
I can absolutely identify with this, This is something I’ve always struggled with, in part because in every relationship ever there has been an element of feeling rejecting when a request hasn’t been met with the reaction I was hoping for, this wasn’t always meant with actual rejection in mind though and I wonder if perhaps I didn’t always express my needs as well as I could have. You post is timely because only in the last week or so I found myself maybe not asking for, but certainly indicating I would like certain things and the fear of rejection or being seen as a bit too ‘weird’ was high, it went well though and I actually got one of the things I asked for, I suspect one or two of the others may follow. So I guess I now know sometimes taking the plunge is well worth the cringey feelings I feel while saying the words out loud xxx
It absolutely isn’t easy. I am glad you got one of the things you wanted. I actually asked MrH to put his fingers inside me during play the other night! Progress all round eh?? 🙂