On Exploring Kink

Munch and Musings

We have been to the munches a few times, although this year we have not been to many. A lot of that is to do with the distance (it’s a 50 minute drive) and the fact that it’s on a work night (Tuesdays). By the time we get home from work, eat, and drive to the munch we’re tired and have been on the go since 6am. Add to that staying for a few hours, which we want to do as we enjoy it, and heading home, it can be past midnight when we get home. We get up at 6am. On just 6 hours sleep we head off to work. The discomfort I feel from sitting still in the car for the time it takes us to travel (there and back) and the discomfort of the seats in the club, and I am pretty much in pain from the minute we leave home… sometimes I just can’t face it.

Missing Friends

When I recently got referred to the physiotherapy department, they asked me to complete a questionnaire, and one of the questions was this: How often does your pain prevent you from doing activities that you enjoy? I answered All the time.

There are people I have missed seeing so much. Lady Chamois and her husband Baron White Tie to name two. I miss talking to Lady Chamois so much and I am sure she must think I’m an awful person for not making more of an effort to see her, but, when I have to experience extra pain for a few days in order to make that journey, I’m afraid I always fall into the no more pain camp.

New acquaintances

Yesterday we did attend the munch and there were some familiar faces there. The Painted Lady was there despite having had several surgeries in the last few months with the other members of the writing club. I said hello and chatted with them before returning to sit with Mr H.

MissPoly13 was acting as the hostess and so I didn’t get to say much to her other than a quick hello as she was showing new people around the club.

We watched a rope suspension demonstration for a bit, which really made me wish we had suspension points at home, before returning to the sofas.

We ended up chatting to two lovely ladies. One was a transgender (MtF) lady who I (awkwardly) complimented on having a lovely dress and fabulous legs. I’m never sure how to address transgender people, or if it’s polite to ask. There are some cross dressers who attend the club who still identify as male but they enjoy dressing in women’s attire, others have female personalities and identify as such. I admit to being naive and awkward because I don’t want to insult anyone, or cause them discomfort or upset. At the same time I feel it’s rude to say do you want to be referred to as he or she? I commented that this person had fabulous legs and I was jealous…. by saying that “gentlemen such as yourself always seem to have such gorgeous legs and it’s not fair!” As soon as I said it I thought oops, did I say the wrong thing!?! Should I have said ladies or people …. it later transpired that she has a female personality and so ladies probably would have been more appropriate. I just wanted to hide my head in shame at my clumsy attempt to start a conversation.

I know this is my own discomfort and inexperience at play and hopefully I will see her again. If I do I will apologise in case I did cause her any upset, actually I noticed she had commented on the munches chat on FetLife so I have sent her a message apologising and she replied accepting the apology, which I was very grateful for.

We also chatted with a lady who goes to a number of munches. She is into impact play but isn’t in a relationship. Instead she has a few play partners that she trusts, and occasionally plays with. We have since connected on FetLife and I’m hoping when she pops along here she enjoys reading my exploits! I also hope we run into her again as I enjoyed chatting with her. She said she was a bit of a masochist and looking at some of her pictures that’s an understatement!


What was interesting, was hearing about the other munches she has been to and how they are different to the one held at The Townhouse. A lot of them are held in pubs and that means you could theoretically bump into people you know in your vanilla life who aren’t at the pub in question to socialise at the munch. There’s a risk of exposure.

But, she did say that in these other locations there was more open chatting. She thought there were a lot of ‘cliques’ and I think she had perhaps felt a little isolated being new.

I’d never thought about it but she is right there are some established friendship groups, and that could be off putting to people coming along for the first time.

I know when Lady Chamois is hostessing she usually finds someone who has similar or complimentary interests to the newcomers and introduces them so that when she goes to show the next group around she leaves them talking.

Avoiding exposure

There is a munch in the town that we live in, but Mr H decided straight away that we would only go to a munch that was away from home. Most people do that- travel to a munch. Basically because we’re all avoiding exposure.

Even with all the concepts today that we should be authentic and be able to live freely and without fear of persecution, we are afraid of being outed in our vanilla lives.

I have to wonder, what are we so afraid of? We are grown adults. We engage in legal activities. We aren’t hurting anyone. And yet, we would not want anyone to know that I am submissive to Mr H, or that we like impact play. We don’t want people to know that Mr H ties me up or that when we have sex (and Mr H decides to let me) I have multiple orgasms.

I have had the best sex of my life since we started our D/s Dynamic and yet we are act in many ways like it’s something to be hidden from view, something to ashamed of and dirty.

What has made me think about this is meeting and talking to the transgender lady. She talked about her son who has seen her dressed as her female personality as well as calling him dad and it made me think, why are we kinksters afraid to be real when in all honestly it wouldn’t take anywhere near the same level of courage that the transgender lady has demonstrated.

If Mr H were to open the car door for me, or I had to ask permission for synned foods when we were with friends and family what’s the big deal? Compared to some challenges these things seem insignificant.


Having said all that there are some professions that for some reason treats sex between consenting adults as grounds for terminating employment.

Teachers, social workers, doctors, nurses, and members of the police force for example. The headmaster at my high school (a long time ago btw) lost his job after his son revealed to a national tabloid newspaper that he had posed in BDSM gear for a pornographic magazine when he was in university. As the teacher was in his 50s back then I imagine the pictures dated back to the 1950s and yet the school governors suspended and then sacked him for gross misconduct. I remember all the students being outraged at their decision. He was an excellent teacher and we all felt that what he did in university shouldn’t impact his current life.

I stand by that but would take it further.

It shouldn’t matter what you do in your private life, as long as it’s legal, your employer should not be able to punish you. They certainly shouldn’t be able to sack you, demote you or in anyway humiliate you.

Considering BDSM practitioners encourage open and honest communication, safety, and consent in all things, we as a society really should be happy to have people with this ethos educating our children!

I hope one day that we can live a little more freely. I hope one day we will not need to conceal our dynamic because it makes us happy and let’s face it – it really isn’t anyone else’s business!

Sweetgirl x

Sweet Autumn Rose  


Photo by Belle Co from Pexels

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  1. Well said!!

  2. One of the reasons I stoped going to munches long ago was the clique vibe. They can be an amazing place to network, learn and meet new people. But they can also go downhill fast.

  3. Moesy says:

    Long time lurker, first time commentator! I love how thoughtful you always are. Don’t be afraid to ask what pronouns someone prefers: the easiest way is to offer your own: “Hi Joelizabeth, my pronouns are she/her, what do you prefer?” It also helps in diverse groupings of strangers to give simpler compliments like “you have amazing legs!” since you are right, it can be so easy to accidentally mis-identify someone as belonging to a group they don’t identify with. As someone who walks away from every social interaction overthinking everything I said, I know the impulse to “fix” past conversations is real and I sympathize!

  4. I agree with Moesy never be afraid to ask about pronouns. I have 2 transgender children. One prefers she and the other prefers they/ them. And I still accidently mess up and use their old pronouns at times. The point is you care enough to want to say and do the right thing and at the end of the day it is your compassion and understanding, making that effort is what makes a transgender person feel accepted for who they are. And to them that means everything.

  5. Moesy says:

    Ugh, I know how you feel. I’ve started just owning it when I say something stupid (someone told me to act like it is a verbal burp) so now I try to go “sorry, I’m not sure why I said that, I’m socially anxious and what I meant to say/ask/do was x”

    It doesn’t always help in the moment but it helps with the feelings later.

    1. That’s a good tip x

  6. […] We ate and then went to the munch. I’ve already done a post about the events while we were there and if you haven’t read it you can Click this link. […]

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