In his post today my Dominance up close and personal in 20 days – daysolicitous. 8 HisLordship discussed communication, and how he and Missy talk each Saturday morning. They make that effort and he notes how he has become more verbose in discussing his emotions and thoughts.
This got me thinking…..
When was the last time Mr H and I “talked” about our D/s?
You know, an in depth, two way discussion, and I’m struggling to remember a time when it wasn’t a question I’d raised, that was simply answered. In the beginning we talked about what was ok to do and what was not (our yes, no and maybe lists).
Early on I asked for downtime when I wanted to tell Mr H something in particular. I would usually write it down and have him read my journal. When I did speak I would hide my head embarrassed at speaking in such intimate detail.
As Mr H will say we do communicate well, but I’d never had to be so explicit in describing my wants and desires. Our sex life had just rubbed along pretty well up until the introduction of D/s, I would say our sex was very nice and enjoyable. But nothing like what I’ve experienced since we began D/s.
But when I look back… I am the one who talks. Mr H listens. I’m often left floundering, wondering what he is thinking and feeling.
His post on the first 6 months of our D/s was as much of a revelation to me as it was to others. I didn’t know most of what he shared.
HisLordship’s reflections therefore have forced me to evaluate this.
And I’ve come to the conclusion that MrH doesn’t communicate with me in the way I need sometimes and that leaves me feeling unsure.
I know MrH listens to me closely and attentively. He’ll often say “noted” as if he’s filing that away for future use or integration.
But he doesn’t instigate communication. He doesn’t share with me. He’s never asked me how did you feel about that scene? He asks me if I’m ok, during and after. He’s solicitous. He’s caring.
And…. this sounds like a complaint ☹️ I suppose in some respects it is but I don’t want it to be.
I could ask for some time to talk and raise these concerns, and he would listen. I strongly suspect his response would be… “If I have something to say I would.”
What I’ve wondered though as I’ve written this and analysed my feelings is … Does his reluctance to speak and share his thoughts and feelings, fuel my insecurity?
Because I don’t “know” what he feels and thinks, I project what I perceive to be probable into this space.
Where I see flaws in my body, I assume he sees the same and responds the same, because I have no contradictory communication.
Is is unreasonable for me to ask him to communicate in a way that is alien to him? I guess so. I shouldn’t suddenly expect him to be the one who says, “I’d like to talk to you about where we’re at, how I’m feeling, and how you’re feeling.”
Which means I suppose that all I can do is accept that my “idea” of what communication should be needs to be adjusted to fit the reality of how communication “is” for us.
Sweetgirl x
More posts about communication :
I can completely empathise with your insecurities over the lack of two-way discussion. I don’t think it’s unreasonable at all that you would like MrH to communicate as well as listen to you because it’s very likely, as you surmise, that the current situation fuels the fire of your insecurity and doubt. Maybe, instead of asking MrH to initiate the communication you need, he might consider responding to your comments when you ask. Don’t let your fledgling D/s dynamic create difficulties that build up. Don’t be afraid to explain that you need to discuss things and want his opinion. Let your D/s feed into the well-established and lovely relationship you have.
I’m fairly certain he’ll read this .. he reads my blog.. I’ve a certain amount of anxiety that I’ve posted this rather than go talk to him… But I tend to write to get my thoughts in order .. so it ended up here..
Oh, I definitely sympathise with you there! I had the same kind of anxiety about my ‘creating a life worth living’ post. It often makes things so much easier — and clearer to us — when we write down our difficulties. It helps to articulate and order what’s going on in our heads and worrying us. It’s important that you have got your concerns out from your head and into the page. MrH can now see how you feel. And always remember — you can delete your post, should you wish.
Good point hehe but… I think.. I wrote it for a reason at the time and it may help someone else …
I feel like I could have written this myself. My Sir is not really good at sharing his feelings AT ALL. I feel like I’m trying to pry him open a lot because I want to see what’s on the inside. When we first started D/s I had a lots of doubts. I didn’t know what Sir thought or if he even liked it. It finally got to the point he told me I wasn’t allowed to ask “Are you happy with this?” anymore because it bugged him so much. I completely understand your feeling of being unsure.
We started having a weekly talk, usually Sunday nights, to discuss how our relationship is doing. As a dominant, he’s been working harder to communicate with me, and I have seen slow improvements. He’s still a clamshell when it comes to emotions, but occasionally he’ll pop out an emotional pearl for me.
I hope you and MrH can find something that works well and leaves you both satisfied 🙂
I think everyone is different in the way they communicate. Some people like open verbal communication and some people, not so much only because they feel more comfortable relaying that information another way. I hope you and your Sir can find a middle ground somewhere where he can share with you his thoughts and feelings in a way that does not make him uncomfortable.
When it comes to sharing especially verbally, I’m the opposite. I clam up when asked to say out loud how I feel or what I think. It comes from a childhood where we were not allowed to speak up at all so by the time we did, we either had to beat around the bush and hope the other party could read our minds or decipher what it was we wanted to say or say it when we’d finally reach our limit which wasn’t ideal. That’s how I got to communicate much better via the written word and after being taught again and again that “I” didn’t really matter (coupled with abuse from a trusted adult), to communicate my thoughts via a third person or through my stories or through poetry. Thank goodness I never learned how to play the guitar or the piano or I’d be singing those out LOL
My go to method of communication has always been to steal away and think about things. This drove (drives) my wife crazy!! I have had to learn to verbalize my thoughts often before they are fully formed. But I am trying to be more communicative. It pleases my Queen. Perhaps men are different this way—but that being said, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask for a little more communication. In the end the more we communicate the better our relationships.
Thank you for linking my post, and using it for inspiration! A D/s relationship I would argue has far more emotional investment than most vanilla couples. You invest a lot of yourself in kink activities and the trade off is that this stuff needs to be discussed. You just need to find your own way of doing it that works. Don’t give up!
LOL I should, shouldn’t I? And then I’d have people paying me not to sing! I’d be rich!
Ah with all the “talent” these days you might become a top singer! Certainly many top singers seem to lack “something”.
UPDATE
We have talked. Well I cried and MrH talked and listened.
MrH said he was disappointed that I had shared this with everyone before him. He has asked that in future I show it to him in draft form so we can talk. I can then post and include how we sorted it out rather than leaving it as half a tale. I understand why he feels this way and have agreed in future to do this.
MrH also said he found it contradictory in places. As I have written he doesn’t initiate communication but in the same paragraph pointed out that he asks how I am… I explained that I meant he doesn’t initiate discussions. He asks questions. I am referring to not knowing what is going on in his head, and a desire for this to change. We discussed this in some depth. MrH not understanding what I wanted from him and me struggling to articulate it. In the end I said I would like him to say things without a prompt. For example, after play I will ask him if he enjoyed it. I have asked if he can just tell me how he felt. That way I don’t feel like I’m fishing. So that instead of me having to tell myself “If he didn’t like it he wouldn’t do it”, he is telling me.
MrH disagreed with my statement that he doesn’t tell me what he loves about my body. He says that the problem is I don’t hear it because I don’t see the same. And he’s right. He does. I think because his statements conflict with my perception my brain won’t accept it.
So after tears and some expressions of frustrations we have come out the other side.
It’s not been a comfortable discussion. My insecurity says that asking MrH to change his behaviour is wrong and risks him leaving ….. MrH says if I don’t tell him what I need he can’t help me.
So, in all, we have had a very emotionally draining conversation, but I’m very glad we did.
I will make sure I show MrH in future, I hit publish and thought … Hmm probably should have checked with MrH but too late ☹️
I think now we’ve talked MrH will put some structure into place and that should make it easier.
Very true… I didn’t want to delete as I thought it was more important to show the process once it started … Including my uncertainty and then the update following the conversation we had.
I will definitely learn from it though..
Yes I agree. I just meant that if you suddenly wondered then you could remove until you had time to discuss.