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Taken Prisoner by pain.

I haven’t written much lately. My heart, and head have not been in it. I have now spent over 7 months lied in bed staring at the bedroom walls and it is starting to weigh me down. 16 months in excruciating pain and I don’t feel sexy or attractive, so writing about that would be difficult. Inactivity and some poor eating habits have also caused weight gain that has me avoiding mirrors again. 99% of my clothes do not fit. I have 3 nighties, 3 sets of pyjamas, 1 dress, 2 tops and 2 pairs of leggings…. None of my lingerie sets fit, and I have had to buy some new knickers. I spend most days not wearing a bra- what’s the point I am in bed. I have resisted writing about these struggles because I don’t want to seem like a whiney arse, but in truth, it’s how I feel. I am stuck behind a closed door and life is going on without me.

Pain’s prisoner.

I feel like I have been taken prisoner by pain. Yeah, sounds overly dramatic, but it is. Those of you who are coming out of lockdown, spare a thought for those, like me, who aren’t. While you meet friends at the pub or in restaurants, remember there are some who are still stuck at home. I am self isolating as I have the diagnostic procedure booked for the 29th July and they are asking patients to self isolate for 14 days prior to hospital visits where possible. Of course this does mean that there is some movement in getting the treatment I ultimately need, but, my appointment with the consultant (the one where we will discuss the next step) is in October, and that means any agreed treatment would be December or January, and that is assuming that there isn’t a second wave.

It is possible that this procedure may provide some longer term pain relief but, when I last had a diagnostic procedure done I was pain free for 3 days, then it came back and I am not holding out hope. I would rather be pleasantly surprised than bitterly disappointed.

All this has impacted on our sex life too. If I don’t feel attractive, if I can’t look in the mirror, why would Mr. H find me attractive? I want him to to hold me, but then I think I must feel disgusting. I try to stop myself from feeling like a chore to be taken care of, but most of the time I fail. Walking to the bathroom hurts so much I could cry, and having a shower takes extra morphine.

I am sick and tired of feeling useless, of being in pain, and I really do not like what the mirror is showing me right now. Mr. H took some photos with our new camera (on Auto mode) when we first got it and I haven’t shared many because they show the tummy fat I have, but I have pushed myself to do just that today, as a way to face the fear and unhappiness.

Sweetgirl x

Sweet Autumn Rose  

 

This post is linked to Wicked Wednesday #425 ‘Closed Doors’. You can click HERE to read more posts linked to the topic and also to the new Tell Me About project Monochromerotic, click the name to see more.

25 thoughts on “Taken Prisoner by pain.”

  1. I’m sorry to hear about your struggles. For what it’s worth I think it demonstrates courage to share what you have. I think concentrating on what you can control – practising acceptance through meditation however difficult that may be could be of great benefit. I’m sure you have the strength to come through it all

  2. First of all, I think the image is gorgeous, Sweet. I really, really love it. Secondly, I sympathize with you, because yes, where others can go outside, and enjoy doing so, we should think about people like you and others with health conditions who are still staying at home, and not able to go outside. I hope that eventually you will be pain free! Take care.
    ~ Marie

  3. I am glad you decided to share this images as I think it is beautiful Sweet, I really like your curves and the edit highlights your soft skin. I can’t begin to imagine what you are going through, just hope that the procedures go ahead as swiftly as possible for you. Gem x

  4. I appreciate how awful you must feel but this image has captured your beauty. It is lovely. I am so sorry that you are having to deal with all of this and wish an end to it for you as soon as possible. I am sorry that your pain has isolated you so much from everyone else but am pleased that you have the bravery to share what you do with us all. That takes real courage! You still shine for us, my friend ❤️

    missy recently posted…To Subspace and beyondMy Profile

  5. There is nothing overly dramatic about being in pain, or worse yet, confined and trapped like this. I’m glad they are finally seeing to your needs and you have an appointment, I hope something happens quicker than December. I am glad that Mr. H is there for you.
    elliott recently posted…Stand StillMy Profile

  6. I am so often thinking of you Sweet – now I am free and I remember you are not yet – and you are dealing with pain on top of that. You have tremendous strength of character though and I know you can make it thru. There are better times waiting for you
    May xx
    May More recently posted…Spanking Good TimeMy Profile

  7. Humans always seem to find it easier to look at the negative things in their lives. You are showing how strong you are by being positive about the possibilities of your procedure and by sharing this image despite the flaws you see in it. You are a beautiful womanly woman whose body tells the story of your life. Despite what you are going through. Know you are beautiful.

  8. I don’t think it sounds overdramatic at all. I think it is your truth and the truth of the situation and as someone who has experienced depression, I know what it feels like when every minute can feel endless and I imagine that this situation must feel endless and a little hopeless to you.

    I’m sorry you’re feeling like this and have to deal with this. It’s not fair and I wish I could take it all away for you.

    I really like how what you’re wearing has been pulled open like a curtain to give us a look inside and what I see is beautiful.

    Marie Louise recently posted…Tie me up Tuesday #10: Booty BondageMy Profile

  9. Pingback: Back on the slimming world plan ⋆ A Submissive Wife ⋆ The Body Diaries

  10. pain and injury are such monsters. Even when the doctors says they have a plan it is hard to have hope after they have failed before. One close to me is in a very similar situation and it is a helpless feeling knowing there is nothing I can do to help.
    I just hope you at least have people around you that love and care for you.

    1. Thank you for your comment! I do indeed have people around me who take excellent care of me and love me lots too. I’m very lucky in that respect ♡

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