Yes, you read that right, my hospital appointment has been cancelled. It’s not like I haven’t been expecting it. I always plan for the worst; I’d rather be pleasantly surprised than disappointed, but I guess the closer it got, the more I began to hope. The last few days my mobile has received calls from a ‘private’ number but on answering it has disconnected. This is unfortunately not uncommon as the signal in our home is shocking, even using wifi calling. When I finally got a connection, it was the hospital. Clinic’s are being cancelled. Thank you Covid!
Cancelled Hospital Appointments.
I am by no means the only one who will be affected by this, and let’s face it Covid 19 has crapped all over 2020, the lockdown, the loo roll shortage, the idiots who run around saying it isn’t real and no-one is dying from it. I live in the UK and right now we are, I suspect, weeks away from another full lockdown, as the second wave looks set to hit. Now, I am not an expert, but in my opinion, when the country went back to work, and the schools reopened, it seemed inevitable that the virus would spread quickly.
Anyway back to my life. The consultant is going to telephone us and speak to us on that day, but, given the evolving situation I expect to be told that although he recommends surgery they are not doing elective/routine surgeries. Of course, this could be me ‘planning for the worst’ but I was right about the hospital appointment…
How much longer?
Seriously- how much longer? I am so fed up of our lives being controlled by my pain. I shower once or twice a week because to endure it I have to take more morphine, and I am already taking 100mg per day. My GP does not want me to take more unnecessarily, and plans to reduce me back to 80mg per day in a week. Having said that they may reduce it sooner because the appointment is not going ahead. I feel so fed up. I struggle to write – because I don’t want to be the blogger who complains all the time about how much things hurt.
I want to Live.
I want my life back. I want to walk to the shop. See my nieces. Be at my nephew’s Christening. Ride my motorbike. And, let’s be honest, I want to get my kink back on and have sex!
I know I haven’t written much about sex or kink recently, and there is a simple reason for that. We aren’t having/doing any.
You may recall I wrote about how the nerve block had caused me to be in more pain a few weeks ago? What I haven’t written about is the visit to the A&E department at the hospital a few days later, or the one 3 weeks after that. This is partly because I have been too down about the whole thing, but also because I didn’t know if I should share the details. I have decided I am going to.
How do you feel?
One of the things I have to be aware of is that my pain is being caused by a disc bulging and just touching the sciatic nerves. However, your disc moves about and it could bulge further and compress the central space where the spinal cord sits. If this happens, I would be at risk of developing ‘cauda equina’ syndrome which has serious side effects. A couple of weeks ago I got one of these ‘red flag’ symptoms – I lost feeling in between my legs. The medical professionals refer to it as the saddle area (because it is the part of the body that comes into contact with a saddle). So we drove down to the hospital and I was kept in overnight for assessment. They did the usual tests, and because I was unable to perceive surface touch they got a sterile needle and stabbed my anus. I was able to feel this after it had penetrated the skin. Unfortunately, I can’t feel the impact of the cane properly either, so for safety’s sake we are not doing any impact play.
Taking the P!$$.
They also tested my bladder function and it is not emptying properly. It is normal for there to be about 20 to 30 mls of urine left in the bladder after voiding – mine is keeping 250 to 275 mls. Unfortunately touching down there means some leaks out. Not sexy, if you get my drift!!! It has also transpired that sitting or standing too long causes the same and so continence pads have become thicker and we have put the waterproof mat under the sheet on my side of the bed so I can continue to sleep naked.
Nerve damage and the future.
At this moment in time I believe that the nerves are being damaged, bit by bit because the situation isn’t being fixed. I don’t yet know what the Consultant thinks – we plan to ask him, and although a face to face appointment would have been preferable we will have to manage with the telephone appointment.
In the meantime, we can’t have sex and I can’t have a cane session either. I suppose I will have to find a way to hold myself together until the appointment on the 1st of October, and hope that they are still doing the routine surgeries, so I can get back to the business of living my life again.