Training is something that is definitely prevalent in D/s fiction and I admit to enjoying the Brie series of books by Red Phoenix which chronicles Brie’s journey through a submissive training school. I have no problem with training in fiction, however, I do have some issues with the concept of training in real life.
Why would one person wish to fundamentally change another?
I asked MrH to add D/s to our relationship we came to a mutual agreement about the way that would be put into place. MrH didn’t train me. I read a lot of blogs and twitter accounts, and it always makes me shudder to read, “I have been talking to a Dom who is going to train me.”
There is an emotional rollercoaster that comes with D/s. In an established relationship you have already built trust and respect. In a new relationship you have to build that trust. I have seen how a D/s relationship can crash and burn when there is not enough communication and trust. I have also seen how, when one person is more invested in D/s than the other, it can cause a great deal of emotional distress.
I am well aware I have no direct experience of building a D/s relationship without having an existing relationship, but, I have some knowledge of a successful relationship that developed that way, and to my knowledge the Domme did not train her sub. They built the dynamic together.
The thing that seems to come up a lot in these blogs where they are being trained is that the submissive is given a set of rules with no discussion and the submissive has to accept these rules because they are the submissive. This is, in my opinion, very wrong. The only thing I want to say to these submissive’s is run, a Dominant will value your opinion and want to discuss what you want to achieve, what you want to get out of your submission.
Within our dynamic MrH and I spent time deciding what we wanted to explore and from there MrH controlled the how and when. Every now and then we revisit the list of things we want to do.
There have been changes though. Subtle changes, but I didn’t undergo any training to make them happen, I chose to in order to make MrH happy.
MrH doesn’t like it when I swear, and so I try not to.
MrH doesn’t like it when I drive fast, and so I try not to.
These are choices I made. Just like he makes the effort to touch and stroke me more because he knows I like it.
There is a different type of training that is sometimes referred to in D/s circles though, Anal training. You can buy sets of anal dilators and different sizes of anal plugs which claim to make anal sex easier over time. I have never tried this, but I have found that if MrH uses a finger in my ass, or any other toy, once that is removed and replaced with his cock it isn’t any easier, and I have to say that personally when MrH lubes me and his cock, and he slowly pushes himself into my ass, it feels amazing.
Sweetgirl x
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This post is linked to Tell Me About… ‘Training’, click HERE to read more posts inspired by the topic.
You’re right that training is to be agreed and not an abuse if power, good job sweet
My husband never trained me to be a submissive, but he did ‘train’ me in being able to wear the plug longer, and to be patient… I don’t believe in a ‘full training’ to become a submissive.
Rebel xox
MrH has been trying to teach me patience since we met lol
I loved the Brie books, but also am skeptical about real life ‘training’. I think it is definitely a two way process and you both have to learn together.
I think we share a lot of the same opinions on this sweet. Training can be a deceptive term I think and within a loving relationship I am not sure it is a good fit because, as you say, changes occur because you agree those together. 🙂
I agree with a lot of what you say here. I think any kind of D/s is about communication and building things together. So if anyone wants to do a sort of training, then it is important that goals are set together, that punishments and rewards are clear from the beginning. Just blindly following a set of rules set by a Dominant, seems dangerous. In the end it is about a relationship you want to build with each other, and both improve and grow together.