2020 has kicked our D/s Asses. My chronic pain and all the side effects of that have brought our D/s activities to a resolute stop and it has not only highlighted how much we enjoy them, but how they have become part of our normal lives.
We used to partake 2 cane sessions each week – Wednesdays and Sundays. As I have lost some of the feeling in my derriere it is no longer safe to do this activity. All D/s activities are essentially risk assessed by Dominants and submissives as part of either RACK or SSC and we had to take the decision that if I was unable to fully feel, then I was unable to properly alert to limits. I am sure some might say, that feeling less pain means I could ‘take more’ but I could also injure myself which Mr H finds unacceptable. He does not like to leave marks on me.
Has it all gone then?
Well no, not all. We still have our collar ritual, and chat nights but we have little to talk about – I am sure many people can relate to that! The UK has just entered national lockdown for the second time, and while there is a lot of controversy on the benefits of this, I agree with the decision. I don’t think the schools should have been kept open, and I think it should have been done earlier, but then, I think that there are a lot of selfish people in this world who are not wearing masks (or not wearing them correctly) and not sanitising hands on the way into and out of places! But that’s another story.
Where was I? Oh yes…
Every now and then I persuade Mr H to fuck me. I like to feel that connection. I think he feels bad that this isn’t our usual sex, there isn’t any stimulation or climax for me – partly because I can’t feel it – but mostly because it makes my bladder empty …. and that really does kill the sexy for us both!
So, once a week I weedle and touch and beg (hmmmm, perhaps he likes me to beg? I may try that later hehe) him to give me a quick mercy fuck so I can feel him inside me, feel the connection, feel like a wife and a woman, for just a few moments.
Will it be back?
I hope so. We are having some issues with our assigned consultant. He is focused only on the fact I take pain killers, and that there is no need for, as he put it ‘urgent decompressive surgery’. My response to that was simple – I would bloody well hope urgent decompressive surgery would be carried out “urgently” and not wait for a routine appointment! I did not ask to see him for that, rather we need someone to sort out – if possible – why this pain keeps recurring, and find some, more permanent solution that means I can stop taking pain killers.
D/s 2021 and beyond.
At the moment I am finding it really difficult to look ahead. I am terrified that the surgeon will say there is nothing he can (or will) do. I had that happen in 2008 when I was told to learn to live with it, and it wasn’t this bad then.
I want to ride my motorbike again.
I want to be myself again, fun and active.
I desperately want our sex life to be what it was. To feel Mr H touch and kiss me, his fingers and tongue bringing me the release of orgasm, to melt into him.
I suppose I want to live, I don’t care if we are locked down or not, it would be nice to be able to sit downstairs in a chair for more than the 45 mins I manage in a morning. Unfortunately until the Covid pandemic is under control and normal service returns to the hospitals my situation will remain unchanged.
In the meantime, I am hiding from life. I have stopped reading blogs, because I am overwhelmed by the feeling of loss. I can no longer enjoy these activities. I am a ghost, a shadow of myself, locked inside a body that doesn’t work. Unable to live fully, afraid of spreading this gloomy darkness to others. I don’t go to the chats on the safeword/s club for the same reason. No matter what the topic I am filled with longing and loss. We are unable to do it, our play is halted, I don’t know how to participate when my current state is ‘not at the moment’.
I hope my fellow bloggers, my friends, will forgive my absence and I hope that they understand and welcome me back – when I am able – to join in again.
This post is linked to Wicked Wednesday #440 ‘Turn on, Turn off’ click HERE to see the other posts submitted, you wont regret it!
P.S The SafeworD/s Club is an awesome place and the site has a brand new look – check it out for information and join the community to make friends and learn more about D/s. (Please note this is NOT A DATING SITE do not join and troll for a hookup, you will be ejected)