This path is ours

The sentence “I think I’d like it if you did that to me” started MrH and I down a new path. We took our first exploratory steps a few hours later, and I am so glad we did.

In my mind it lead to a world where MrH kept me naked and constantly used my body in delightful and wicked ways. I would have his cum in every orifice daily. He would spank me over his knee every day to remind me I am his, make me drinks and meals to ensure I am eating/drinking properly and he would control everything I did.

Of course this was completely unrealistic.

For a start we both have full time jobs. We also have an adult child at home. And of course MrH would probably say “I’m not 18 anymore!” So cuming 3 times a day would be a rare occurrence now.

But….. the reality has been so much more than I could have possibly imagined.

We have explored our bodies in new ways, and I remember in the first few weeks MrH saying he was enjoying observing my bodies reactions to what he was doing to it. That doesn’t mean we didn’t have a good and fulfilling sex life before. We made love regularly and I enjoyed it but it doesn’t compare to our sex now. It was as if we started again, learning what our bodies needed.

We have explored our relationship. We have talked, and I have been more honest than ever before, opening myself up, in such a way as at times I have felt extremely vulnerable and insecure. More than a few tears have been shed.

Topics have been discussed that I have actively avoided in the past and as a result I have grown more confident and feel more secure. An example of this came up quite early. We were contacted by a couple on fetlife who live relatively close to us and we chatted a little. They suggested meeting up and MrH was unsure but the lady and I seemed to get a long and I expressed interest in meeting up to chat socially. But, suddenly I was struck with uncertainty- was this their thoughts also a social friendship? Or did they want a couple to play with. Did MrH plan for this new dynamic to lead into swinging, or playing with other couples? Did he want to explore scenes with another woman [I should point out here that this thought makes me feel ill] or want to watch me being spanked or some other activity… panic and fear at that time overwhelmed me. Had I just given MrH permission to have sex with other women by saying he was in control?

I dealt with this panic by telling the lady we were not interested in any couple play and then I told MrH what I had done. I followed this by asking him “did I do the right thing or did you want to do that?” I think I held my breath until his reply came back “it’s not what I want. Do you?” The relief I felt. Well I can’t fully explain it.

I responded that I absolutely did not want to.

I’ve had nightmares that MrH will leave me, it’s my worst fear. Although I’m getting better and they are getting less frequent brought about, I think, by the communication and intimacy that this D/s has enabled.

I also think that this path, this journey is so unique to each couple, no two experiences will be exactly the same, and so each couple explores their own path. There may be familiar landmarks and similar stops along the way that will be recognisable enough that experiences can be shared and understood, but I think it’s important to stress to anyone starting out how absolutely personal this is. MrH and I are the only people who can decide on how our exploration will progress.

So if you are just starting out on your D/s expedition here’s my advice, if it doesn’t feel right don’t do it. And for heavens sake – talk to each other!

Sweetgirl x

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