There is one thing that truly frightens me, an incomprehensible paralyzing fear, and that is that Mr H will leave me.There have been many things (fears) in my life that have given me sleepless nights. Some have passed with time, some rear their heads time and again.
It’s a cliche right? To be frightened by spiders… I mean in a silly, heart pounding, panic sort of way. Once I see the thing I can’t take my eyes off it, because the only thing more frightening than a spider, is a missing spider. I’ve slept in a different room once, after a spider vanished behind my wardrobe (before I met MrH) and it took 3 days before I felt brave enough to sleep in my bedroom again. At work I fetch a grown up brave enough to remove the critters, which has earned me many rolled eyes.
I’m jumpy. I don’t mean I go around jumping over obstacles or fences, no, I mean when suddenly someone speaks near you and you’re startled, so you scream or gasp. After all the years we have been together MrH still chuckles when he makes me jump. Usually just by walking into a room and speaking.
I think its partly because I grew up never knowing what my stepdad would do when he walked in a room, and partly because I become so absorbed in what I am doing that I am oblivious to what’s going on around me. So when I am in my little bubble sudden unexpected sounds scare the living daylights out of me!
“To sleep, perchance to dream,” William Shakespeare knew a thing or two about nightmares I’m certain, given some of his subject matter. Hamlet, where this quote originates, goes on to muse that even if he died he feared the dreams he might endure in death.
I have such vivid dreams. Horrid, upsetting, emotional nightmares. The most common by far is the ones where MrH chooses to be with someone else. I’ve written about these horrid things before, and I wish I could say I knew I would never have one again, but I think that is unlikely. These nightmares stem from my own insecurities, and they are not easily silenced.
One of the early recurring nightmares would begin with MrH and I arriving at a house party. We were greeted and welcomed by a couple we appeared to know, but I don’t see their faces in the dream. We get drinks and I ask the host if they are expecting many people as we appear to suddenly be alone. MrH isn’t with me and the hostess has also gone. The host tells me that MrH and I were the last to arrive and the party is upstairs. He heads to the stairs and starts to climb them. I go to follow but as I do the stairs get narrower the higher they go.
The Host has vanished from sight and I can’t get any further. The stairs have narrowed so much that my hips are too wide to fit. I can hear MrH speaking, he’s telling someone to suck his cock. I shout him, well anyone really, but no-one comes. I can hear MrH moaning and telling the girl how good she was, how no-one has done it that good. I’m now crying, and struggling to get higher. A woman appears at the top of the stairs, she’s naked, and beautiful. When she sees me upset and stuck she laughs, calling her partner over. When he gets to her she points at me and says “there’s another fat one trying to get in. What makes them think anyone wants to fuck them?” Then she walks away, the man looks at me with pity and says, “he came here for a reason, he doesn’t want you anymore. There’s a reason it exists to help men get rid of fat wives. You’re showing yourself up, so go on home now. If you get thin enough come back, maybe he will give you another chance.” The man leaves and I’m still stood, screaming by now for MrH.
Finally he comes to the top of the stairs. He’s naked, cock erect, obviously wet and has 3 women fawning over him. He looks at me disgusted and says, “stop embarrassing me, you started this, it isn’t always going to just be about what you want so go home, and if you’re lucky I might come back to your fat cunt, when I’ve finished with these beautiful women.” He turns and walks away putting his arms around the women.
I always wake up here, sobbing.
No matter how many times MrH reassures me that he has no such plans, that swinging isn’t on his agenda, neither does he intend to play outside our relationship.It takes days for me to move past this nightmare when it happens. I can’t shake the feelings. The hurt when MrH looks at me with such disgust.
I hope every time I have this dream, that I will be the last, and I know MrH hopes the same thing.