4 Thought or Fiction

What frightens me most

There is one thing that truly frightens me, an incomprehensible paralyzing fear, and that is that Mr H will leave me.There have been many things (fears) in my life that have given me sleepless nights. Some have passed with time, some rear their heads time and again.


It’s a cliche right? To be frightened by spiders… I mean in a silly, heart pounding, panic sort of way. Once I see the thing I can’t take my eyes off it, because the only thing more frightening than a spider, is a missing spider. I’ve slept in a different room once, after a spider vanished behind my wardrobe (before I met MrH) and it took 3 days before I felt brave enough to sleep in my bedroom again. At work I fetch a grown up brave enough to remove the critters, which has earned me many rolled eyes.

Sudden noises

I’m jumpy. I don’t mean I go around jumping over obstacles or fences, no, I mean when suddenly someone speaks near you and you’re startled, so you scream or gasp. After all the years we have been together MrH still chuckles when he makes me jump. Usually just by walking into a room and speaking.

I think its partly because I grew up never knowing what my stepdad would do when he walked in a room, and partly because I become so absorbed in what I am doing that I am oblivious to what’s going on around me. So when I am in my little bubble sudden unexpected sounds scare the living daylights out of me!


“To sleep, perchance to dream,” William Shakespeare knew a thing or two about nightmares I’m certain, given some of his subject matter. Hamlet, where this quote originates, goes on to muse that even if he died he feared the dreams he might endure in death.

I have such vivid dreams. Horrid, upsetting, emotional nightmares. The most common by far is the ones where MrH chooses to be with someone else. I wish I could say I knew I would never have one again, but I think that is unlikely. These nightmares stem from my own insecurities, and they are not easily silenced.

One of the early recurring nightmares would begin with MrH and I arriving at a house party. We were greeted and welcomed by a couple we appeared to know, but I don’t see their faces in the dream. We get drinks and I ask the host if they are expecting many people as we appear to suddenly be alone. MrH isn’t with me and the hostess has also gone. The host tells me that MrH and I were the last to arrive and the party is upstairs. He heads to the stairs and starts to climb them. I go to follow but as I do the stairs get narrower the higher they go.

The Host has vanished from sight and I can’t get any further. The stairs have narrowed so much that my hips are too wide to fit. I can hear MrH speaking, he’s telling someone to suck his cock. I shout him, well anyone really, but no-one comes. I can hear MrH moaning and telling the girl how good she was, how no-one has done it that good. I’m now crying, and struggling to get higher. A woman appears at the top of the stairs, she’s naked, and beautiful. When she sees me upset and stuck she laughs, calling her partner over. When he gets to her she points at me and says “there’s another fat one trying to get in. What makes them think anyone wants to fuck them?” Then she walks away, the man looks at me with pity and says, “he came here for a reason, he doesn’t want you anymore. There’s a reason it exists to help men get rid of fat wives. You’re showing yourself up, so go on home now. If you get thin enough come back, maybe he will give you another chance.” The man leaves and I’m still stood, screaming by now for MrH.

Finally he comes to the top of the stairs. He’s naked, cock erect, obviously wet and has 3 women fawning over him. He looks at me disgusted and says, “stop embarrassing me, you started this, it isn’t always going to just be about what you want so go home, and if you’re lucky I might come back to your fat cunt, when I’ve finished with these beautiful women.” He turns and walks away putting his arms around the women.

I always wake up here, sobbing.

No matter how many times MrH reassures me that he has no such plans, that swinging isn’t on his agenda, neither does he intend to play outside our relationship.It takes days for me to move past this nightmare when it happens. I can’t shake the feelings. The hurt when MrH looks at me with such disgust.

I hope every time I have this dream, that I will be the last, and I know MrH hopes the same thing.

Sweetgirl x

Sweet Autumn Rose  


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  1. Mr H says:

    Love you sweetgirl

    1. I know you do Sir xx

  2. He was frowning when he read it…. he hates that I have these dreams as much as I do..

  3. Ugh this made me feel every bit of hurt you felt. I’m so sorry this nightmare grips you so much. ❤️

    1. Thank you ❤ I hope you don’t catch it!!!

  4. I sometimes have dreams – nightmares – like that too, where I dream Master T doesn’t want me anymore and I wake up with my pillow wet from the tears I have cried. Those dreams are really terrible.
    And, like you, I am very afraid of spiders…

    Rebel xox

  5. Me too

  6. Oh bless you. I can sympathise with you 100% on this. I had horrendous nightmares and very cruel dreams, were the sole purpose seem to torture me emotionally. With regards to Bakji this means dreams where he’s met someone new, hasn’t told me then when I find out he is utterly ambivalent about how hurt I am. This dreams has happened so often in it’s various guises that I have had to, in real life, get Bakji to promise over and over again that he will always be honest about new people he fancies (which is okay because of the non-mono stuff) and would never, ever forget to tell me he had moved on. I feel like it’s daft to need that reassurance due to all the conversation we have, but the dreams take hold in such a way that I sometimes just need to hear the reality of things again. Thank you for sharing this for #F4TFriday x

    1. Thank you for sharing your experiences too… our crazy brains

  7. What a horrible repeating nightmare. Even when we are asleep the cogs of our minds insist on playing these nightmares as if on a loop. I hope yours is eventually removed from the play list.
    I don’t mind spiders but am deeply scared of mice. Especially in my bare feet.
    Thanks for sharing everything in you post.

  8. Oh my goodness what a dreadful dream – I can so image why you wake sobbing. – so detailed and demeaning. It is so weird what our sub conscious can do to us. It’s like it wants to cause us suffering x

    1. I know ☹

  9. A terrible dream. I like how MrH tries to defeat it in real life! Perhaps one day he’ll succeed.

    1. I hope so!

  10. […] My biggest fear is for the relationship between Mr H and I to breakdown. I have spoken about this HERE and this post highlights my mistrust in language among many other […]

  11. […] world of BDSM and Kink we had to discuss what we wanted and what we didn’t. There were many nightmares had I can tell you but they too have lessened as I have come to realize Mr H does truly want me. […]

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  13. […] nightmares I had when we first started to discuss going to a club (and if you need a reminder click here) and so the idea of attending a swinging event really freaked me out. But, as often happens, when […]

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