I have written about this topic before, and how I mentally justified faking it for many years. In reality it still bothers me that I did this. I don’t like that I did it and I don’t like ‘why’ I did it. I don’t fake it now, I am sure that many women say that, don’t they? I faked it with other partners but not with you dear.. Anyway, I digress. There are times when Mr H will ask me to cum for him and I think “I have” (usually I because I am incoherent I struggle to speak) but I think/worry that the years of faking it means he can’t tell, and that makes me frustrated and cross. I want to say put your fingers inside me you will be able to feel the way my body reacts. But I used to fake that too, the muscle contractions, so I don’t know if he would be able to tell the difference between real and fake because I don’t know what fake feels like. I mean, just because I say I don’t anymore, doesn’t mean that he can trust me does it?
In the beginning
In the first few months things were almost fast and furious and I was in a constant state of arousal and I had many orgasms every time we played. Time passes (as it tends to do) and now our D/s has become our normal. It used to be relatively easy for me to be in the right frame of mind for sex but now, more than two years into our D/s, we have defined our new ‘normal’ settled into routines and this is not the case anymore. Once again, Mr H has to work hard to get me in the right frame of mind, and that isn’t necessarily easy.
I have been updating my old posts, checking images and SEO following my site swap earlier this year and as part of that I have revisited a number of my older posts. It is interesting to do so, to remember when during a play session I would have several orgasms and play would move from one thing to another, and to another, but it also makes me realise how much things have changed from those early months.
Finding the right head space.
With our son now leaving home and the change to our financial situation we have to make some very big changes to our plans. We can no-longer afford to go away to hotels, so we have to find a way to make our home into our hotel stays. We have to find a way to relax, in the same way that we can at a hotel, at home. So far we are not doing so well at it. Yes, I know there have been some challenges, I haven’t been well, MrH hasn’t been well, and we, if we are being honest, haven’t really made an effort. Not the way we should. We talk about ‘having a date night’ but do not do it.
I guess, what I am saying is that at the moment things are a little less than ideal. We are not making the effort to be as kinky as we could be when it comes to sex but, I am sure we will get back to where we have lots of fun at some point, but, I am very aware that the pressure for that lands on MrH, as the Dominant. He has to plan and lead, which means he has to be the one who shakes things up, and not follow a ‘routine’. And, yes I know, I could initiate things – but that wouldn’t help me be in the right head space at all and would ultimately mean he would have a lot more work to do.
I am sure some of you will relate to this, I mean you go to bed, brush your teeth and so on. MrH changes my collar and we get into bed. If we plan to play MrH will tell me. He may get out a toy, or not and as a result the start of play, I will likely have all sorts running through my head. I will have to try hard to focus on how I feel and what he is doing and not on what shopping we need to get, what I have to do the next day. It is this internal monologue that completely ruins the mind set. If I go back to the early months that monologue just didn’t happen. There would be no down time, from the moment of collar change play would begin, or when play did begin MrH would start with words. He would slowly draw my mind into focus, he would tell me what he planned to do to me, to give me instructions and my mind would turn inwards. I didn’t need to ‘try’ to get in the right headspace. Now when we play my mind wanders, and I hate it. I hate it because it reminds me of how it used to be, when I couldn’t orgasm during sex at all.
No more faking.
I do not want to go back to how things were. I am now taking amitriptyline and some people find it reduces their sex drive. So far that hasn’t been the case for me but I guess it’s early days. I enjoy our sex life now and I want to continue to, but there are those environmental and situational factors getting in the way. For starters we do not know if sex is going to be difficult or painful for Mr H with the stent in place, we do not know what is going to be happening with my back and mentally I hold back when we play, because I am worried about squirting. I don’t know what will happen for sure.
I am sure of some things though. I am sure that we manage to find a way out of the ‘rut’ we are in. I am sure that I am willing to put in the work that I may have to in order to focus on Mr H and his touch when we play, so that I am able to get into the right headspace. I am sure Mr H will learn to recognise when I do climax because I am certain he is willing and able to learn how my body looks and responds during a real orgasm and to trust me not to fake it. I am also sure Mr H is willing to spend the time and make the effort to get me in the right frame of mind, to make sure I am completely focused on him and what he plans to do before play begins, because I know he likes me to cum for him.
In the mean time I am determined to remain honest and truthful. If my head doesn’t get in the game and I don’t orgasm, I don’t fake it, because that isn’t who I want to be any more.
This post is linked to Food 4 Thought #122 ‘Faking Orgasms’, click HERE to see more posts inspired by the topic. You won’t regret it they are anything but fake!