Did you read 50 shades and imagine that was your life? Do you want to know what it is really like? Well, I am here today to share my experience and to tell you the truth about being a submissive wife.
The truth will out.
A while ago I wrote a post, ‘So you want to be a submissive wife?’ which gave you some advice on how to start your journey, and things you might want to consider. Mr. H and I have just reached our 3 year mark living as Dominant and submissive and I thought now would be a good time to write about the realities of being submissive wife. The whole truth as it were, or at least the truth as I experience it.
Do you have Sex all the time?
I thought it would be best to start with the nitty gritty as this is the first thing people ask about in my experience. In the beginning we did, and I have noticed many new D/s couples go through this period- like you probably did at the start of your relationship when passion, desire and lust were in control of your hormones and emotions. For the first few months Mr. H and I sex almost every day, sometimes twice a day. We sexted constantly and it was absolutely amazing! This phase is often referred to as a frenzy.
The truth is, it isn’t always possible to sustain this level of activity. We are not teenagers, we have a finite amount of energy and after about 9 months the shine of the new toy wore off. We also live in a house with a young adult. Our son J who lives at home is 21 years old. He is not a child oblivious to the goings on in the house, and Mr. H is very uncomfortable with the idea that J might hear us having sex. J also has a superpower. He knows instinctively whenever we are planning to have fun and will leave his bedroom and begin to potter around the house. This kills the mood somewhat and as a result our play time slowly dwindled.
Our solution was to go away to hotels for overnight stays. These were a chance for us to connect and fuck without inhibitions. We didn’t need to worry about J coming out of his bedroom and interrupting the flow of play. These breaks gave us the opportunity to enjoy true alone time, sharing a meal and leaving the cares and distractions of home behind us.
Of course, there are times when going to a hotel is just not possible. At the moment with the Covid ’19 pandemic hotels have been closed anyway, but as my back has been bad again for over a year, we have not been away as often as we would like. Thankfully J started working every Sunday and we are able to enjoy some adult alone time once a week.
So, although initially we experienced an increase in the number of times we had sex, this eventually fell into a routine, of once a week when we are alone in the house. There are others who probably have sex more frequently, but for us this works best.
Has it made the sex better?
This is perhaps the most amazing part for me. I now climax more often than not and I never fake it. Yes, I used to fake orgasms and you can read more about that by clicking HERE, but I confessed to Mr. H and promised never to do so again. It may surprise you, but I am very shy and unsure of mysellf. I grew up honestly believing that men leave you if you are too needy or complain too much, so I tend to bite my tongue, even though this habit has cost me years of potential orgasms and sexual pleaseure I still struggle to tell Mr. H what to do to get me off.
During the frenzy stage, a wink could pretty much make me come, alright I’m exadurating slightly, but I’m sure you get the picture. Now, as the frenzy wore off and the things we were doing normalised, I needed to be touched in a different way to push me over the top. I climax most deliciously when I have Mr. H cock in my mouth, which is of course a win win. I love the toys we have added to our coffers, especially the Doxy wands, the bestvibe wand, and the clitoral suckers. We use a vibrator almost every time we have sex, as Mr. H loves it when I climax, and the vibrators help achieve this most effectively!
One of the things that has made the most difference is the courage I have found to tell Mr. H how to touch me. In truth, I don’t find it easy to do, to overcome the feelings of embarassment and shame that sometimes paralyizes me with fear. I think I am getting better at it though.
Last Saturday we had a rare opportunity to play as J went out for a drink with friends. We got the bestvibe wand out, and as Mr. H started to move the wand over my pussy, I actually told him once to move it lower, and when I wanted it moved in small movements, as I neared climax, I held his arm and showed him. As I say – I am getting better.
From my point of view I am definately enjoying sex more, and I like to think Mr. H is too.
Has it changed anything else?
We have been together for 25 years this year and 23 at the point that we began our D/s, so we were already pretty solid. Mr. H is my best friend as well as my lover, but we have had to do a lot more talking in order to integrate D/s into our relationship, than we usually did. This isn’t easy for Mr. H who is a man of few words, or me, as I want to analyse how he feels. When I asked him to take on the role of Dominant I thought it would be difficult for him. In truth, my imagined view of a D/s relationship was not realistic either. I can’t be naked whenever we are at home – there are the children to consider. It isn’t practical to think Mr. H would fuck me every time I moved, again, we have children, and at the time full time jobs, but the reality we have created is pretty special too.
Before my back worsened each evening after my shower, I would run Mr. H his bath. It was my way of doing something nice for him. He made me a silver chain to wear as a collar during the day, and a thicker collar of paracord to sleep in. Morning and night we change these over and exchange simple words that remind us of our commitment.
I think from my point of view, one of the biggest changes has been in the way I defer to him and follow rules he has set, like no interent purchases without prior permission. I have asked him a few times if he felt there was a big difference and he always says no – he always felt he had the final say anyway, which is true I suppose, but now I defer much more to him than I did, trusting him to make decisions and not second guessing them.
As you can see the change to a D/s dynamic has changed many things in our everyday relationship but not necessarily in the way I imagined.
It’s just not like the movies (or books).
Another area where i feel there has been a big change is in how we interact with each other. We cuddle again, and hold hands. We are more intimate and closer emotionally than ever before, and the truth is that’s more important to me than how often we have sex.
50 shades is a pretty poor example of BDSM, there is often a lack of consent, she fails to understand and use a safeword and as an apparently experienced Dominant he fails to check in with this completely inexperienced person during an extreme spanking. If he were responsible he would have asked after each blow if she was OK to continue, because she had no idea what was going to happen and how she would react and feel.
There are more examples of D/s and BDSM in literature than in movies, and for the most part none of them could be or should be used as a model for a real relationship. Very few people, can spend their entire day naked. Very few couples have the energy or time to have sex several times a day. In reality we have jobs, and friends that we spend time with too.
It is important therefore to enter into the world of D/s prepared to create your own dynamic. It will require discussion, and possibly some trial and error in order to find your truth.
This post has been linked to Wicked Wednesday #429 “Peak Outside”, although I have not exactly followed the prompt, instead I have peaked inside our dynamic. Click HERE to visit the link page and read more posts inspired by the topic.