I’ve been pretty open about how the weight I have gained has really messed with my head. I have such a negative body image I avoid mirrors, social interactions and sex. The pain management program I did a few weeks ago was awful until I realised I could “hide” my image on the screen, and even then I cringed at the thought that these people could see me. Well last night this came to a head and I ended up in tears.
It started on Sunday. It’s been so hot recently that although we have just had our bedroom decorated and got a new bed, we haven’t christened it. I asked Mr H if it was cooler on Monday night perhaps we could fool around and he said that was his plan. Initially I felt a frisson of excitement, and then the anxiety started. I hate my body. I mean I feel gross. The voice in my head is loud and reinforces my negative body image constantly. I have rolls of fat on my stomach. I can’t lean forward properly because of it. My clothes don’t look right. I have rolls of fat on my back, my bra band leaves red welts under my boobs (even though it’s the right size), and my arse sticks out like I’m wearing an Elizabethan bum roll.
The idea of Mr H touching me makes me cringe – not because I don’t like his touch – but because I imagine him feeling disgusted by it. So by the time Mr H reached for me last night my negative body image issues had worked its magic and I was a rigid anxious mess.
What the fuck?
The thing is, I have no fucking idea how to fix it. Mr H has tried to tell me that my weight gain doesn’t bother him. That he still finds me attractive. I just don’t seem to hear it. I mean obviously I hear it, but I just don’t seem to believe it. Some of that is because of the reduction in sexual activity between us, which I have talked about before. Logically I know there are other factors for this, emotionally I can’t seem to accept it. That voice just harps on how I was thin and we had sex, I got fat and we don’t.
Last night, I lay there and although Mr H was kissing me and touching me, I just wasn’t aroused. A self fulfilling prophesy I suppose, because all day I had worried that he wouldn’t be aroused by my body and although I did stroke his cock, he wasn’t. His lack of arousal, just seemed to confirm everything I had been thinking, and I couldn’t get my head in the game.
Mr H asked me what was wrong, and I said my head wasn’t in the right place. He asked if there was anything he could do, and I said no. Mr H said we would just cuddle and not to worry. I lay there in his arms and cried. I tried to hide it from him, but he knew.
The thing is, how can I ask him to help me when I can’t help myself? I can’t expect him to act like he finds me sexy and irresistible – because clearly I’m not.
Anyway, I think I will stop there. I suppose I just need to focus on trying to loose the weight I have put on so I can feel better about myself and then maybe I will be able to replace my negative body image with the positive one I had when I started this blog.