On Being a Submissive,On Being Married and Relationships

How my negative body image impacts our sex life

I’ve been pretty open about how the weight I have gained has really messed with my head. I have such a negative body image I avoid mirrors, social interactions and sex. The pain management program I did a few weeks ago was awful until I realised I could “hide” my image on the screen, and even then I cringed at the thought that these people could see me. Well last night this came to a head and I ended up in tears.

How my negative body image impacts our sex life

Anxiety

It started on Sunday. It’s been so hot recently that although we have just had our bedroom decorated and got a new bed, we haven’t christened it. I asked Mr H if it was cooler on Monday night perhaps we could fool around and he said that was his plan. Initially I felt a frisson of excitement, and then the anxiety started. I hate my body. I mean I feel gross. The voice in my head is loud and reinforces my negative body image constantly. I have rolls of fat on my stomach. I can’t lean forward properly because of it. My clothes don’t look right. I have rolls of fat on my back, my bra band leaves red welts under my boobs (even though it’s the right size), and my arse sticks out like I’m wearing an Elizabethan bum roll.

The idea of Mr H touching me makes me cringe – not because I don’t like his touch – but because I imagine him feeling disgusted by it. So by the time Mr H reached for me last night my negative body image issues had worked its magic and I was a rigid anxious mess.

What the fuck?

The thing is, I have no fucking idea how to fix it. Mr H has tried to tell me that my weight gain doesn’t bother him. That he still finds me attractive. I just don’t seem to hear it. I mean obviously I hear it, but I just don’t seem to believe it. Some of that is because of the reduction in sexual activity between us, which I have talked about before. Logically I know there are other factors for this, emotionally I can’t seem to accept it. That voice just harps on how I was thin and we had sex, I got fat and we don’t.

Last night, I lay there and although Mr H was kissing me and touching me, I just wasn’t aroused. A self fulfilling prophesy I suppose, because all day I had worried that he wouldn’t be aroused by my body and although I did stroke his cock, he wasn’t. His lack of arousal, just seemed to confirm everything I had been thinking, and I couldn’t get my head in the game.

What’s wrong?

Mr H asked me what was wrong, and I said my head wasn’t in the right place. He asked if there was anything he could do, and I said no. Mr H said we would just cuddle and not to worry. I lay there in his arms and cried. I tried to hide it from him, but he knew.

The thing is, how can I ask him to help me when I can’t help myself? I can’t expect him to act like he finds me sexy and irresistible – because clearly I’m not.

Anyway, I think I will stop there. I suppose I just need to focus on trying to loose the weight I have put on so I can feel better about myself and then maybe I will be able to replace my negative body image with the positive one I had when I started this blog.

Sweetgirl x

Sweet Autumn Rose  

 

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12 Comments

  1. Nonya says:

    Sweetgirl,

    My eyes welled up with tears reading your post. I do not have any words that I think would automatically,ske you feel better, [If I did have them I surely would give them to you]
    What I will write though is this. I have read probably 3/4 of y’all’s blog and while I don’t know you guys personally, you know My. H is where you can find [maybe not magic words] but affirmative and loving words. I don’t think so clearly when I am upset, and I imagine that’s how you are and probably the majority of folks are like that, some of us don’t have someone to help us when we are faltering, but you DO sweetgirl, so go to him and let yourself be soothed so then you can make a plan. I will support you, listen to you, and whatever else that you may need from an outside funny lady who understands EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL RIGHT NOW…… OKAY?

    NonyaB

    1. Thank you so much NonyaB, I will try. Mr H is very supportive and I am lucky to have him. We talked last night and cuddled some more.

      Thank you for your encouragement and for reaching out, I appreciate it.

  2. I was really sad to read this sweet. You have been through so much this past while and you really deserve a break. I can relate to the way your body image is affecting you and it sounds like it has got hold of you really hard. I don’t really have any advice as I know that my situation is different. I do know that while physically there have been changes to your body you are unhappy about, the depth of your response is probably more mental, so I don’t think kind words from others or reassurances always work. I have been your friend for quite a while now though and have seen your struggle with how you feel about your body. I wonder if you are able to start following some sort of programme where you start to see a physical change if that will help you to feel more in control. I have watched you manage your weight in this way in the past and know that you can do it. I am not naive enough to think this will make an overnight change as your situation is more complicated than that, but it might allow you to begin to respond sexually again and put those cruel voices aside for a short time. Sorry not to be more help but I am here if you want to chat. Missy x
    Missy recently posted…Is it better to be a natural submissive?My Profile

    1. Thank you x

  3. David - UK says:

    So, you’ve gained a few pounds, but who hasn’t in the last few covid years eh? Your situation is different as you have pain issues so you are unable to move as much as before…..but this doesn’t change you. You are still you, the same person MrH fell in love with and still loves, so stop beating yourself up about it. Talk to him about how you feel. Try not to be negative about it, just be honest. Relax, enjoy as before, and all will be well I’m sure x

    1. Mr H and I have talked at length as you can imagine. He believes as you do, that I’m still me, I’m the only one I think who struggles to see it.. (well not the only one with this type of thinking).. but I think you know what I mean.

      I wish so much that is was a few pounds and not 6 stone, but I have today taken a step towards what I hope will resolve it, and rejoined the group slimming world instead of trying to do it online. I need the accountability I think.

      Thank you for commenting, and your kind advice. I will try to be kinder to myself.

  4. David - UK says:

    I think that’s a really positive step, and one I need to make myself…..I have managed to add an extra 2.5 stone to my perfect, ahem, adonis specimen of a physique, and I don’t have the meds to slow my metabolism down like you do, just a lot of wine (1 of my 5 a day as it’s made from fruit)…..and ought to pluck up the courage to do the same. Good for you. Let us know how you’re doing.

    1. I will do. I can honestly say that slimming world is very user friendly and there are men who go to the group I attend. In fact my consultant is male and I know of 2 other male slimming world consultants. The men who attend and follow the plan generally have really good experiences and loose their excess weight very quickly and still have a glass of wine

  5. David - UK says:

    I have a glass, but it is quite big……

  6. It’s like a vicious circle. But the two of you must find a way to break it.

  7. I struggle with a lot of the same things. Lately I’ve been watching a lot of Lizzo videos and trying to get over my own ideas of what is beautiful. I realized it was my internal hatred of my bigger body that’s holding me back from living my best life. Wishing you self love on your journey.

    1. Thank you I wish you the same.

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