2020 has kicked our D/s Asses. My chronic pain and all the side effects of that have brought our D/s activities to a resolute stop and it has not only highlighted how much we enjoy them, but how they have become part of our normal lives.
D/s, D’not.
We used to partake 2 cane sessions each week – Wednesdays and Sundays. As I have lost some of the feeling in my derriere it is no longer safe to do this activity. All D/s activities are essentially risk assessed by Dominants and submissives as part of either RACK or SSC and we had to take the decision that if I was unable to fully feel, then I was unable to properly alert to limits. I am sure some might say, that feeling less pain means I could ‘take more’ but I could also injure myself which Mr H finds unacceptable. He does not like to leave marks on me.
Has it all gone then?
Well no, not all. We still have our collar ritual, and chat nights but we have little to talk about – I am sure many people can relate to that! The UK has just entered national lockdown for the second time, and while there is a lot of controversy on the benefits of this, I agree with the decision. I don’t think the schools should have been kept open, and I think it should have been done earlier, but then, I think that there are a lot of selfish people in this world who are not wearing masks (or not wearing them correctly) and not sanitising hands on the way into and out of places! But that’s another story.
Where was I? Oh yes…
Every now and then I persuade Mr H to fuck me. I like to feel that connection. I think he feels bad that this isn’t our usual sex, there isn’t any stimulation or climax for me – partly because I can’t feel it – but mostly because it makes my bladder empty …. and that really does kill the sexy for us both!
So, once a week I weedle and touch and beg (hmmmm, perhaps he likes me to beg? I may try that later hehe) him to give me a quick mercy fuck so I can feel him inside me, feel the connection, feel like a wife and a woman, for just a few moments.
Will it be back?
I hope so. We are having some issues with our assigned consultant. He is focused only on the fact I take pain killers, and that there is no need for, as he put it ‘urgent decompressive surgery’. My response to that was simple – I would bloody well hope urgent decompressive surgery would be carried out “urgently” and not wait for a routine appointment! I did not ask to see him for that, rather we need someone to sort out – if possible – why this pain keeps recurring, and find some, more permanent solution that means I can stop taking pain killers.
D/s 2021 and beyond.
At the moment I am finding it really difficult to look ahead. I am terrified that the surgeon will say there is nothing he can (or will) do. I had that happen in 2008 when I was told to learn to live with it, and it wasn’t this bad then.
I want to ride my motorbike again.
I want to be myself again, fun and active.
I desperately want our sex life to be what it was. To feel Mr H touch and kiss me, his fingers and tongue bringing me the release of orgasm, to melt into him.
I suppose I want to live, I don’t care if we are locked down or not, it would be nice to be able to sit downstairs in a chair for more than the 45 mins I manage in a morning. Unfortunately until the Covid pandemic is under control and normal service returns to the hospitals my situation will remain unchanged.
In the meantime, I am hiding from life. I have stopped reading blogs, because I am overwhelmed by the feeling of loss. I can no longer enjoy these activities. I am a ghost, a shadow of myself, locked inside a body that doesn’t work. Unable to live fully, afraid of spreading this gloomy darkness to others. I don’t go to the chats on the safeword/s club for the same reason. No matter what the topic I am filled with longing and loss. We are unable to do it, our play is halted, I don’t know how to participate when my current state is ‘not at the moment’.
I hope my fellow bloggers, my friends, will forgive my absence and I hope that they understand and welcome me back – when I am able – to join in again.
Sweetgirl x
This post is linked to Wicked Wednesday #440 ‘Turn on, Turn off’ click HERE to see the other posts submitted, you wont regret it!
P.S The SafeworD/s Club is an awesome place and the site has a brand new look – check it out for information and join the community to make friends and learn more about D/s. (Please note this is NOT A DATING SITE do not join and troll for a hookup, you will be ejected)
Of course we will be here to welcome you back, Sweet. It’s horrible what you are going through, and horrible that they don’t want to help you. I really hope this changes, and that soon there WILL be help for you. In the meantime, don’t despair re your D/s. It’s something that’s very much part of you and MrH and it will be back once your body can handle it again. Look at Master T and me. It took us four years… we are not fully back yet, but the first steps have been set, and we know we will return. Never despair. Sending you many positive thoughts and gentle hugs.
~ Marie xox
Thank you xx
I feel so sorry for your situation sweet, and I do hope that things will improve at some point. Its understandable to feel withdrawn from it all, but when the time suits you we’ll be ready to see you again with open arms.
Thank you xx
Ah bless you honey
Yes lockdown is difficult for many and I sympathize with your problems seeing medics is difficult unless it’s a real emergency.
But please stay strong many people are in similar or worse circumstances.
I do sincerely wish you all the best
J.
Thank you
I haven’t clicked your like button as i dont like the content of this post – I hate that you are suffering so – particularly when you are such a loving and giving person. I actually pray things will get better for you – and will carry on – I miss u and your blogging and just wish I could write a spell to sort it all out
Hugs Sweetest girl 😉
xx
May More recently posted…Careless Talk ~ Lest We Forget
I understand, I wish you could too..
This year has taken a toll on all of us, it’s been a test of strength both physical and mental. W/we all understand that you’re needing time to take care of yourself. Y/your D/s will be back hopefully soon. Take care of yourself and i truly hope you are able to get into a doctor to have that much needed procedure sooner than later. Love and hugs and positive healing energies being sent your way. ❤️
Thank you
Wishing you all the best, Sweet Girl! I hope that you regain your health and that you and Mr. H are back to your kinky selves in no time 🙂
Thank you x
Aww sweet this breaks my heart and of course we will still all be here when you feel ready and able to return. I wish there was something we could do. You know ‘not at the moment’ is good enough to chat so always feel welcome but I understand that it doesn’t feel helpful right now. Always waiting ….. your friend missy ..
missy recently posted…Summoning a Dominant
Thank you xxx I appreciate that x
Oh sweet, life can deal the crappiest hand to good people. I hope things improve for you and quickly.
Hugs lilly
Lilly recently posted…Sir’s eye view
Thank you.
Oh Sweet- so much sympathy for your plight. You’re normally such a positive person & it’s been sad to watch the increased pain drain so much of that away.
I want YOU back too and your spicy takes of your D/s dynamic / always so tender & loving are sorely missed.
Fingers crossed for medical help very soon, for your dilemma & for the fight against Covid19.
Hugs – P xx
Posy recently posted…Give & Take Anal Play (3) Guest Post
Thank you x
I hope that all bloggers and readers are ready to forgive you for your absence. And they will gladly welcome your return.
Thank you
I agree with May but I clicked the “Like” because of the images. Striking and beautiful. As well as your honesty. Be well stay safe.
Thank you.
I will welcome you back with open arms. It more importantly, I hope you get this surgery soon and it solves your pain issue. I hate knowing that you are suffering every day. No one should have to go through that.
Thank you
This is such a tough predicament. I can imagine that it must be terrifying. And of course we will be here when you return! But I do hope you continue to use the platform to vent and purge from time to time. It doesn’t need to be sexy…itnjust needs to be you. Your story. Because it’s how we keep up with you. Anyhow, prayers, Sweet.
Brigit Delaney recently posted…What do you want more of?
Thank you Brigit x I probably will do x
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