Yesterday’s post Hairy Pussy resulted in a long discussion between Mr H and myself. Probably one that was very overdue, well there is no probably about it really. I have written about how we have not made the effort we should, and again and again said we would, but we haven’t. We have not focused on ourselves, we have not been prioritising intimacy. Not really, and definitely not consistently.
Life gets in the way.
2019 was not a great year for us. My back pain skyrocketed, work became an emotional drain, and Mr H ended up in hospital too. Our youngest had issues with depression and left home (only to return again) and we put a financial strain on ourselves by committing to paying rent on a flat for the boys.
We did not get to go away overnight, something which has always served as a was to reconnect on a deeper level. MrH doesn’t relax at home. He is distracted by the cats, ambient noises from outside, and worries that S2 or our neighbour may hear. If I am in the right frame of mind for play, none of these things distract me in the same way. I can quite easily get lost in Mr H and the play, but I need to remember that he does not have the same ability.
Of course I want you.
Yesterday, after my post went live, Mr H said he did not know how to respond to it and I said said there isn’t anything to respond to. It’s how I feel and my head is fucked up. Thankfully he did not leave it there. We talked on and off for a while, and I cried alot.
I said that as my care needs had increased, I had started to feel more like a burden and less like a wife. While mentally I can argue that taking care of me is a physical drain on him, emotionally I need to feel that he still sees me as his wife. I need to know he wants me. Unfortunately the only ways he can achieve this is by either maintaining a regular physical and sexual connection, or by telling me often that he wants to. And, then there is me. I am no picnic because when Mr H has said in the past if you need more sex then that’s what I need to give you, I recoil. The idea that he might be fucking me not because he wants to but because he feels he has to? No that does not feel good.
All these things were discussed.
Going forward into 2020 we should find things financially easier. J is working and can contribute towards the rent on the property. If we get the PIP we will find things easier again. We have Eroticon to look forward to and that is 3 nights away. Three days among grown up kinky people where we will not need to be on edge or conceal our dynamic. After that we should once again be able to do a couple of nights away again at regular intervals.
We also need to take advantage of the time J is out of the house; when he is at work or out socialising. Instead of thinking about what chores need to be done, we should use this time for us. As if we had a newborn baby. When a baby sleeps, so should you. Housework can be done when they are awake. Just as housework can be done when J is at home uninhibited sex play can’t.
Well that sounds simple.
It does doesn’t it? But, life is not simple, and this will not be easy. Mr H has his operation on Monday and he will be sore and need to recover. At the same time my care needs do not let up. While the level of assistance I need goes up and down it does not seem to vanish all together. When you consider that this time last year I had stopped taking tramadol, I was mobile and independent, our lives have taken a dramatic turn.
As hard as it is I need to stop thinking that Mr H only does things because he feels he has to. I have to try to get it into my head that he does things because he wants to, and because he wants to make me happy. Most of all I need to accept that there is a world of difference between those two sentences.
Taking time to touch.
We also have to make the time to cuddle, and touch because these are things I do need to feel loved and wanted. It is far too easy for me to spend hours on the laptop, reading posts, creating content, fiddling with the websites, while Mr H plays with his laptop, tablet or phone. This does not come easily for Mr H as he is very sensitive, and where I will sit and stroke his body, it tickles and ultimately annoys him. But, if he can make the effort to touch me as I need, then I need to make the effort to keep my hands stationary as he needs. It is about making each other happy after all. Ultimately if we remember to keep talking, really talking, we may yet find a way to prioritise intimacy, and focus on each other more and more.
This post was inspired by the Sex Bloggers for Mental Health prompt ‘Priorities’ and Food 4 Thought prompt ‘Intimacy – what does it mean to you?’. Click the names to see more posts inspired by the respective topics.