I don’t believe we ever really stop learning. Even something as simple as the words to a new song or the name of someone we have just met, our minds have an amazing capacity to learn, so why do many of us make the same mistakes over and over again? Why are life lessons so different and often painful in their teaching? I think it is because they more often than not involve our emotions.
I am definitely not going to profess to be an expert here, we all experience life differently but I do want to share one of the life lessons I have learned in the hope that you may relate and perhaps even avoid making the same mistake as I did.
If you don’t tell people what you want you may not get it.
Sounds simple enough doesn’t it. A bit like if you don’t ask you don’t get, but, and yes I’m completely aware of how completely idiotic this sounds, I assumed I didn’t need to tell Mr H how to touch me.
I read a lot of romance books (Mills and Boon type) and in those books, the man always just “knew”. The lovers fall into bed and wham bam thank you ma’am they climax together. Yeah I know it’s fiction, but I just figured you know eventually it would just happen.
I’ve had 4 sexual partners in my lifetime. My first husband (married at 17 divorced at 19) and was rarely even slightly aroused. Sex was uncomfortable to say the least. We separated after he cheated on my 19th birthday and were divorced within the year. The second and third were short romances when I was 19, and they lasted just a few months.
One of these relationships was with a guy who was a little older than me and this was the relationship that made me realise sex could be nice, that foreplay was fun, but still I never had an orgasm.
I think I masturbated for the first time at either 19 or 20 and this was the first orgasm I experienced. I met Mr H aged 21, and our relationship was passionate and fun.
Fast forward 22 years and Mr H and I had the chat that started this incredible chapter of our lives. The thing is I often wonder why the hell did it take me 22 years?
I really don’t know. Well, I kinda do. I didn’t want Mr H to think there was something wrong with me that I didn’t orgasm as easily as I thought I should. I didn’t want him to think he was doing something wrong.
When we started with D/s there was a period of intense learning. We started using toys and from the very first day I had orgasms during sex. I realised it was possible for me to climax during sexual play if I gave feedback on what I liked. I had to be an active participant.
In those first months we made such progress I stopped faking it, well in all fairness there was no need but I did tell Mr H that I had in the past (he wasn’t surprised). Of course things have changed. My chronic pain and the nerve damage means we’re back to square one.
We were playing at the weekend and Mr H hit on the perfect move. It was blissfull. The addition of some lube and he could slide perfectly over my clit, slipping a finger into me … before sliding back up … and repeating. Heaven. As good as it was, and I could feel the climax build the orgasm eluded me. In the end Mr H used the Doxy and in ten seconds I had the elusive orgasm. The thing is, for the life of me I couldn’t have told Mr H what he could have done manually to achieve it. I had asked him to increase the pace but that hadn’t quote done it. I was so frustrated that I just didn’t know and as he pointed out if I didn’t know he has no chance!
So what’s the answer? How can your partner learn how to touch you so you achieve an orgasm? How can you make sure you get what you want?
- Don’t assume your partner can read your mind.
- If you want something particular be specific.
- Give feedback. It’s not always sexy but your partner should want to know what works and what doesn’t.
- Consider having them watch you masturbate and vice versa.
It is a little odd for us at the moment because the nerve damage I have, the things that used to work don’t. We are both having to relearn my body. One thing is certain, together, with time, patience and observation I’m confident we will figure it out.
This post was inspired by Wicked Wednesday #497, “Life Lessons”. To see lots of other posts that have been inspired by this topic click HERE.